Just stuff

It's been a long time since I have written and a lot has changed and happened since. I still attend the adult incest survivors group. Some days I like it and other I hate it. I still do individual counseling with the greatest counselor out there.

And well sadly I have found myself with being ok saying goodbye to my counselor but when i say that out loud I get a little sad. I am not sad that matter of fact I have grown now and I know I will be ok with out her. Granted I don't want to not see her every week or never sit and have a heart to heart again. But I guess this is where I will probably have to learn to grow the most and say goodbye and accept this loss in my life.

Now this isn't happening until the end of the group but that is not all that far away. And now I enter a whole new journey alone again. The fear, frustration, anxiety, bliss and joy of another pregnancy. I want to be able to share that with her. But sooner or later goodbye will have to come. Granted it makes me very sad and tearful.

As far as group goes well...that's a love hate relationship if I have ever experienced one. I like going most every week and sometimes I actually look forward to making more progress and seeing more clearly. Other's I am angry that this all happened and that I have to go because I hate group.

I hate that I am one of the most emotional freaking people that ever walked this planet. I am the only person who cries while I am there. There has been twice that someone else has cried. But one of the girls explained her tears were pure anger and it was an unexpected thing and she does not cry, the other time was someone else and yes her tears were pure sorrow. I could tell just looking at her and listening to the pain in her voice.

I hate that I just don't feel like I belong there I feel like the odd man out and I cant say I understand really why I feel that way. But I do. I feel like I do a pretty darn good job as far as really being there during group and talking and opening up, even though once I was told that my fast speech was that i didn't want to sit with the pain.

Yeah that kinda pissed me off I almost didn't return to group because if I am 100% honest with myself it had nothing at all to do with that. And I did try to explain that to the facilitators. But I guess they either one didn't believe me or two just really didn't understand.

I still have a lot of growing and learning to do about everything including myself. I am right on the edge of accepting that I am not to blame and letting go out that guilt and shame. But its like I teeter on the edge of it, I'm scared to fully take the jump and I am not sure why other than maybe its such a long instilled belief that it will just take time to accept a new way of thinking.

But I know that he should carry the responsibility but I also fight with the fact maybe if I would have told someone then I could have stopped it. And of course all those reasons we came up with in group for me being at fault....
I never cried or screamed
I didn't tell anyone
I got into his bed
I allowed it to happen and quit fighting
I continued to go to his house after my parents divorced
It felt wrong and shameful but I still allowed it


But on the other hand the reasons I am not at fault
He was the adult
I did what I was told
I trusted him to protect me
He told me if I said anything no one would believe me


The list fails in comparison of course I can come up with a million reasons why I am to blame and only a few for him. I guess I really need to allow him to take the blame.

I am getting to the point I am not really shameful it happened. In fact that doesn't bother me anymore if someone found out my old secret. Because for a matter of fact he was to blame I was a child and hopefully child incest will stop someday. Doubtful but hopeful.

I know when I hear things on the news lately about catholic ministers/priests molesting children, I am just so sickened. I do not for one second understand childhood incest but for someone who is preaching God's word and holds others to such a high moral standard to go and do something so un-godly I just do not get it. What on earth has our society come to that our churches are breeding child molesters.
The one place we should feel safe with our children is quite opposite.

Anyways I am off that tangent. But life is good right now hard sometimes and a little foggy others but overall I am blessed.