I got to thinking today about what pain and incest look like and how to describe it to someone with no experience to it at all.
I'm not sure I can tell anyone what it looks like, and what I may say might make any sense to the common outsider but I will try for myself anyways.
It looks
dark
unknown (despite happening all the time)
scary
cold
painful
dirty water reminds me of incest
tears
rainy day
nasty bathroom
someone drowning
Reading these out loud I know people will be scratching their heads and going "huh?". I'm not really sure why I picked some of these I just let pictures come to mind.
I said dirty water because I felt dirty all those years. It looks like tears and its painful. Rainy day because your vision is clouded, its cold, rain usually makes people run for cover or take an umbrella out for protection, how I only wish I had some protection against this man.
Nasty bathroom just simply because you feel nasty and don't want to be there or go there. I said someone drowning because I felt I was drowning all those years, and no one could help me because I didn't tell anyone.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Drainned
I could crawl into bed today and not come back out. I have the worst headache and my body is just feeling crummy.
I had a session this morning and it was one of the most emotional sessions I had in a long time. I just wanted to curl up on the couch there and cry.
We talked about the neighbor issue and explaining to my uncle that I feel uncomfortable with that guy in my house, I want to crawl out of my skin and die even thinking about it. In the end I'm ok with it, but I know it wont be easy.
Then we talked about the way I feel with the abuse and how I feel so alone and how no one else gets me.
I have such a distorted sense of security and safety. Its annoying and unpleasant feeling this way.
Rae kept telling me over and over that its not my fault. I kept telling her how wrong she was but she wouldn't let me believe that. Which is fine and I get what she says I just didn't agree.
The first time ok that's not my fault, but not telling anyone is my fault. The fact I didn't stop him or even telling him no all the years after is my fault.
The fact that every time my underwear came off because of him and I didn't say no, the fact that he ripped my bath towel off me years later is my fault.
I could have stopped every event that followed the first one had I just told someone. I could have saved myself all the misery, pain, fear all the years after it.
I didn't and I just wanted to scream when she kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I have a special place in my heart for Rae and I care about her but I just don't think she understands it is my fault.
I get that I was a child and my perception of right and wrong and safety were off but that doesn't make me innocent.
I cannot believe I let him do the things to me he did. I didn't say NO and I didn't tell a soul.
More than anything I just want to be understood and I feel so misunderstood by everyone but her.
I haven't been able to cry in week on these dam med's and now the freaking tears wont stop and I just want to hid out from the rest of the world.
I had a session this morning and it was one of the most emotional sessions I had in a long time. I just wanted to curl up on the couch there and cry.
We talked about the neighbor issue and explaining to my uncle that I feel uncomfortable with that guy in my house, I want to crawl out of my skin and die even thinking about it. In the end I'm ok with it, but I know it wont be easy.
Then we talked about the way I feel with the abuse and how I feel so alone and how no one else gets me.
I have such a distorted sense of security and safety. Its annoying and unpleasant feeling this way.
Rae kept telling me over and over that its not my fault. I kept telling her how wrong she was but she wouldn't let me believe that. Which is fine and I get what she says I just didn't agree.
The first time ok that's not my fault, but not telling anyone is my fault. The fact I didn't stop him or even telling him no all the years after is my fault.
The fact that every time my underwear came off because of him and I didn't say no, the fact that he ripped my bath towel off me years later is my fault.
I could have stopped every event that followed the first one had I just told someone. I could have saved myself all the misery, pain, fear all the years after it.
I didn't and I just wanted to scream when she kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I have a special place in my heart for Rae and I care about her but I just don't think she understands it is my fault.
I get that I was a child and my perception of right and wrong and safety were off but that doesn't make me innocent.
I cannot believe I let him do the things to me he did. I didn't say NO and I didn't tell a soul.
More than anything I just want to be understood and I feel so misunderstood by everyone but her.
I haven't been able to cry in week on these dam med's and now the freaking tears wont stop and I just want to hid out from the rest of the world.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Poems about abuse
The Silent Child
she sits alone in her room
and wipes away her tears
Hiding beneath the covers
so no one else hears-
She wraps them tight around her
to shut out all her pain.
Praying if there is a God
to make her safe again.
She snuggles deep into her bed
holding the covers tight.
Cuddling her little teddy bear
she leaves on the light.
She waits for the assurance
that all has gone to bed
Then Settles into slumber
so she can dream instead.
She wakes at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
Then he stops outside her door
She shivers with her childlike fear
as she starts to cry.
Knowing what he has come here for
though she doesn't know why.
He tells her she is special
that she's his little girl.
As he pulls back the covers
into her silent world
He says that it's their secret
the special game they play
For no one else would understand
they'd just take him away.
She lay there in silence
with her clothes on the floor
Trying not to think of it
as the tears slowly fall
She hears the clock ticking
as her mind drifts away
Her teddy bear beside her
where he also lay.
She wonders why he comes to her
in the middle of the night.
When he should be with mommy
holding her so tight.
She listens to him tell her
that she will be the one to blame
If anyone discovers
their secret little game
She pulls up the covers
as he rises from her bed.
Tweaking at her little nose
and kissing her forehead
She watched as he dresses
as he tells her once again.
This is their little secret;
she must not say a thing.
She watches as he leaves her room
and closes the door.
And listens for his footsteps
walking back down the hall.
Then she cuddles up to teddy
and cries her silent tears.
Beneath her soiled covers
so no one else can hear.
As she lay there in silence
with her tear filled eyes
Each time that he comes to her
a part of her dies.
So she curls up in her bed
and hugs her teddy tight.
And prays that he will never
come to her at night.
Christina March 29, 2001
she sits alone in her room
and wipes away her tears
Hiding beneath the covers
so no one else hears-
She wraps them tight around her
to shut out all her pain.
Praying if there is a God
to make her safe again.
She snuggles deep into her bed
holding the covers tight.
Cuddling her little teddy bear
she leaves on the light.
She waits for the assurance
that all has gone to bed
Then Settles into slumber
so she can dream instead.
She wakes at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
Then he stops outside her door
She shivers with her childlike fear
as she starts to cry.
Knowing what he has come here for
though she doesn't know why.
He tells her she is special
that she's his little girl.
As he pulls back the covers
into her silent world
He says that it's their secret
the special game they play
For no one else would understand
they'd just take him away.
She lay there in silence
with her clothes on the floor
Trying not to think of it
as the tears slowly fall
She hears the clock ticking
as her mind drifts away
Her teddy bear beside her
where he also lay.
She wonders why he comes to her
in the middle of the night.
When he should be with mommy
holding her so tight.
She listens to him tell her
that she will be the one to blame
If anyone discovers
their secret little game
She pulls up the covers
as he rises from her bed.
Tweaking at her little nose
and kissing her forehead
She watched as he dresses
as he tells her once again.
This is their little secret;
she must not say a thing.
She watches as he leaves her room
and closes the door.
And listens for his footsteps
walking back down the hall.
Then she cuddles up to teddy
and cries her silent tears.
Beneath her soiled covers
so no one else can hear.
As she lay there in silence
with her tear filled eyes
Each time that he comes to her
a part of her dies.
So she curls up in her bed
and hugs her teddy tight.
And prays that he will never
come to her at night.
Christina March 29, 2001
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A letter to my abuser
Wanye,
I'm sorry for digging this up 18 years later, but I don't think I ever got the closure I needed. You either denied that the abuse ever took place or blamed it on your alcohol problem.
Now that I'm a parent myself I cannot even phantom someone touching one of my children. They would have to get past me first. And I'm even more disgusted that you did the things you did more than once with my mom in the next room.
You had managed to rob eighteen years of my life from me, and I'm just now learning all the ways your abuse affected me. But I'm learning to take my life back now.
Yo not only physically touched me multiple times but you played mind games with me. You made me lose trust in other adults, you robbed me of my self esteem, and made my hate myself.
I still to this day blame myself for you all did to me. All because I never made you stop, I never spoke up because I was afraid. So you got to continue to have fun.
I still to this day look at men differently, I cannot even see a male doctor without my heart pounding and my hands feeling weak. I sit in fear with my heart racing that I will be hurt by one of them.
You tore my family apart, I'm afraid of the dark, I feel like I have to look over my shoulder all the time. All of this to deal with and for nothing more than your pleasure. There is so much more I cannot even begin to talk about.
You were able to walk away from all of this, whether or not you feel bad about any of this I don't know and I don't think I even care. Really the damage is done and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and mend my torn, broken heart.
You hurt my best friend, my babysitter and all because you had the fear installed in them, when I did speak up I was left alone, and you got to walk away with in my opinion a mear smack on the hand.
I always thought it would be better off to forgive you and that that's what I needed to do to heal, but Iv sense learned that I don't think I can or ever will forgive you. Only monster's do this type of thing to anyone let alone a child, their child. I don't think this is ever something that will just go away.
I sat in court scared as can be, and you walked around with a smile on your face, with your dad from across the room with a smile on his face and telling me what a liar I was. Good tactics I guess because it worked I froze and never gave my statement to the court.
I guess this wont accomplish much but that's ok if it doesn't, for once I was able to give myself a voice.
Ive never once received a "I'm sorry", just all of your excuses. One minute how you don't remember, the next how it only happened because you were drunk so it wasn't your fault.
I hope you rot in hell
Taking my life back,
Angela
I'm sorry for digging this up 18 years later, but I don't think I ever got the closure I needed. You either denied that the abuse ever took place or blamed it on your alcohol problem.
Now that I'm a parent myself I cannot even phantom someone touching one of my children. They would have to get past me first. And I'm even more disgusted that you did the things you did more than once with my mom in the next room.
You had managed to rob eighteen years of my life from me, and I'm just now learning all the ways your abuse affected me. But I'm learning to take my life back now.
Yo not only physically touched me multiple times but you played mind games with me. You made me lose trust in other adults, you robbed me of my self esteem, and made my hate myself.
I still to this day blame myself for you all did to me. All because I never made you stop, I never spoke up because I was afraid. So you got to continue to have fun.
I still to this day look at men differently, I cannot even see a male doctor without my heart pounding and my hands feeling weak. I sit in fear with my heart racing that I will be hurt by one of them.
You tore my family apart, I'm afraid of the dark, I feel like I have to look over my shoulder all the time. All of this to deal with and for nothing more than your pleasure. There is so much more I cannot even begin to talk about.
You were able to walk away from all of this, whether or not you feel bad about any of this I don't know and I don't think I even care. Really the damage is done and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and mend my torn, broken heart.
You hurt my best friend, my babysitter and all because you had the fear installed in them, when I did speak up I was left alone, and you got to walk away with in my opinion a mear smack on the hand.
I always thought it would be better off to forgive you and that that's what I needed to do to heal, but Iv sense learned that I don't think I can or ever will forgive you. Only monster's do this type of thing to anyone let alone a child, their child. I don't think this is ever something that will just go away.
I sat in court scared as can be, and you walked around with a smile on your face, with your dad from across the room with a smile on his face and telling me what a liar I was. Good tactics I guess because it worked I froze and never gave my statement to the court.
I guess this wont accomplish much but that's ok if it doesn't, for once I was able to give myself a voice.
Ive never once received a "I'm sorry", just all of your excuses. One minute how you don't remember, the next how it only happened because you were drunk so it wasn't your fault.
I hope you rot in hell
Taking my life back,
Angela
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Hate this feeling
So tonight I was laying in bed and messing around on the internet when I was suddenly called upstairs. I headed up to hear some loud ass person talking in my kitchen. And not just someone loud but another males voice and when I turned the corner and didn't recognise him, my heart began to pound.
It was my neighbor from next door, and he was drunk. He said he wanted to make sure they weren't making too much noise and all kinds of other crud. Then he hugged me, ok at that moment I wanted to die.
Seriously I have only seen this man once in my life that's it and he was drunk and hugging me. First thing that went through my mind was seriously I'm so glad that my uncle was here with me at this moment because I was so scared something could happen.
It wasn't even a quick hi kinda hug it dragged on. I could feel myself get sick to my stomach and crawling out of my skin.
He was very nice... obnoxious but nice. But the thought of some guy hugging me who I didn't even know I wanted to die and more so because he was drunk and everytime my step dad was drunk I became the object of his desire, affection whatever you want to call it.
I was so uncomfortable to say the least. Not only did he hug we once but he stood so close to me I felt like I would hyperventilate and then proceeded to hug me two more times before I could get him out of my house.
I hate that he knows my husband is always working late. What will happen the day my uncle is no longer staying with us and I'm alone with the kids.
Seriously I need help I cannot stand to be alone in my own home, in fear something can and will happen to me.
I hate the fear I live with daily, that I have to look over my shoulder all the time.
Why must my life be this way? Since when was it ok he took my innocence and childhood and now my innocence of life? I'm not saying I want to be naive and believe nothing will ever happen to me.
But to be 28 and petrified of the dark, being along, of everyman I cross that I don't know.
I hate this feeling.
It was my neighbor from next door, and he was drunk. He said he wanted to make sure they weren't making too much noise and all kinds of other crud. Then he hugged me, ok at that moment I wanted to die.
Seriously I have only seen this man once in my life that's it and he was drunk and hugging me. First thing that went through my mind was seriously I'm so glad that my uncle was here with me at this moment because I was so scared something could happen.
It wasn't even a quick hi kinda hug it dragged on. I could feel myself get sick to my stomach and crawling out of my skin.
He was very nice... obnoxious but nice. But the thought of some guy hugging me who I didn't even know I wanted to die and more so because he was drunk and everytime my step dad was drunk I became the object of his desire, affection whatever you want to call it.
I was so uncomfortable to say the least. Not only did he hug we once but he stood so close to me I felt like I would hyperventilate and then proceeded to hug me two more times before I could get him out of my house.
I hate that he knows my husband is always working late. What will happen the day my uncle is no longer staying with us and I'm alone with the kids.
Seriously I need help I cannot stand to be alone in my own home, in fear something can and will happen to me.
I hate the fear I live with daily, that I have to look over my shoulder all the time.
Why must my life be this way? Since when was it ok he took my innocence and childhood and now my innocence of life? I'm not saying I want to be naive and believe nothing will ever happen to me.
But to be 28 and petrified of the dark, being along, of everyman I cross that I don't know.
I hate this feeling.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Feeling the pain within
Okay so yesterday I made a big move, again something I was terrified to do but managed to conquer and in the end my head made it much worse than it was in reality.
I walked into the doors of RAAP (rape assistance and awareness program). The simple title is enough to make a victim of abuse cringe.
As I walked through the doors my heart sunk all of the people in these walls would know why I was there its no secret you only come there for one reason and my reason wouldn't be known in detail but matter of fact they knew.
The people who greeted me were very nice so it was a bit overwhelming at first.
Then as I sat there waiting for the person I was suppose to meet I glanced around the room. Again a typical event for me and most victims. Ok I hate that word so I will just say survivor from now on. But my eyes fixed on all the objects in the room.
There were little homemade hearts around the room. Each made by someone as far as I could tell. One heart had a set of hand on it and it said "mommy hold me". My gut sank a little lower.
My mom was never there for me and now it's almost become she doesn't deserve me type of thing. I still find myself standing at an arms length from her to protect myself.
I wasn't just molested by my step dad I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mom, and I was also physically abused as well.
I can see events in my head as if they were yesterday. Sure the bruises are gone but all the mental trauma is still there. I remember to this day my mom being upset with me over something a normal child would do and I had a best friend over at the time. My mother sat over me screaming and yelling at me. Then she grabbed my hair and slammed my head into my hamster's glass cage.
Not only did she physically hurt me but she damaged me forever by that one event. I was humiliated in front of a friend that my mother would do this to me. Let alone in front of someone else.
Talk about rapping me mentally.
Anyways I seemed to jump a bit ahead. So back to my meeting. The therapist came into the reception room and handed me a packet to kill out. You know all the normal questions...why are you here? what are you wanting? what happened? etc etc...
I then followed her to a little room noticing all over the walls pictures that said "Safe Zone", and I at that moment still didn't feel so safe. Not that someone there would physically hurt me. But knowing in my head I had to fess up about everything. Then she told me that this would have to be reported.
My heart fell a little deeper in my stomach. It had already been reported once and the thoughts of that hell were enough to make me sick.
I sat through all her questions and cried of course. But also tried to keep the "I'm so strong" appearance.
As I left I felt ok I didn't think I would be ok with it all but in the end it wasn't as tormenting as I thought.
I walked into the doors of RAAP (rape assistance and awareness program). The simple title is enough to make a victim of abuse cringe.
As I walked through the doors my heart sunk all of the people in these walls would know why I was there its no secret you only come there for one reason and my reason wouldn't be known in detail but matter of fact they knew.
The people who greeted me were very nice so it was a bit overwhelming at first.
Then as I sat there waiting for the person I was suppose to meet I glanced around the room. Again a typical event for me and most victims. Ok I hate that word so I will just say survivor from now on. But my eyes fixed on all the objects in the room.
There were little homemade hearts around the room. Each made by someone as far as I could tell. One heart had a set of hand on it and it said "mommy hold me". My gut sank a little lower.
My mom was never there for me and now it's almost become she doesn't deserve me type of thing. I still find myself standing at an arms length from her to protect myself.
I wasn't just molested by my step dad I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mom, and I was also physically abused as well.
I can see events in my head as if they were yesterday. Sure the bruises are gone but all the mental trauma is still there. I remember to this day my mom being upset with me over something a normal child would do and I had a best friend over at the time. My mother sat over me screaming and yelling at me. Then she grabbed my hair and slammed my head into my hamster's glass cage.
Not only did she physically hurt me but she damaged me forever by that one event. I was humiliated in front of a friend that my mother would do this to me. Let alone in front of someone else.
Talk about rapping me mentally.
Anyways I seemed to jump a bit ahead. So back to my meeting. The therapist came into the reception room and handed me a packet to kill out. You know all the normal questions...why are you here? what are you wanting? what happened? etc etc...
I then followed her to a little room noticing all over the walls pictures that said "Safe Zone", and I at that moment still didn't feel so safe. Not that someone there would physically hurt me. But knowing in my head I had to fess up about everything. Then she told me that this would have to be reported.
My heart fell a little deeper in my stomach. It had already been reported once and the thoughts of that hell were enough to make me sick.
I sat through all her questions and cried of course. But also tried to keep the "I'm so strong" appearance.
As I left I felt ok I didn't think I would be ok with it all but in the end it wasn't as tormenting as I thought.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
WOW
It's been a long freaking day. I was on facebook doing an stupid application and it's called "What God want's you to know" and this is what I got for today.
"On this day God wants you to know...that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt and shame long enough. You've kept the wounds open long enough. The time has come to let go, and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we're talking about."
Okay so talk about reading my every thought that has gone through my mind today. I can't get into a lot right now Im emotionally fried but Iwill be back to blog about today later.
"On this day God wants you to know...that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt and shame long enough. You've kept the wounds open long enough. The time has come to let go, and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we're talking about."
Okay so talk about reading my every thought that has gone through my mind today. I can't get into a lot right now Im emotionally fried but Iwill be back to blog about today later.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
How do you not be so Angry?
Granted I know that because no one really allowed to heal and grieve all that I lost that I am now dealing with this all. But ugh its so demanding of every emotion possible to mankind.
One minute I go from complete sadness to being more pissed than ever. I feel like a flipping crazy person.
I'm so angry that he managed to steal so much of my life from me. I never even thought it was possible until several months ago. And it was then that I saw first hand how much he had really done.
I take so much pride in being the best mother I can be to my boys. At a latest doctor's appt they needed my son to take off his pants to look at his legs and I felt immediate panic. And I felt a strong urge to tell my son that it was only ok because mommy was with him and this was his doctor. Which of course our ped was fine with.
I realized a few months ago with all the pride and strong passion I have to be a good mom, not perfect but good. I was lacking in a huge way.
See I have all boys and knowing that as a victim of sexual abuse you carry this assumption from other's that because you were abused statically you will abuse too. Well I thought about the way I show my love for my kids and as baby's and infants I cuddle and kiss them, I hold them. But somewhere over the age of 2 I just say I love you and give a hug and kiss before bed.
My oldest is a lover and loves to hang on me, and be hugged all the time. He is much like myself. I long for those things too, but since I was afraid of being hurt I never asked for them and in return I never got them.
It scares the crap out of me that someone will see me hug/kiss my kids and take it the wrong way. I know deep in my heart I would never ever do a thing to my kids. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. But I'm scared shitless because of what I've been through.
So not only do I have a ton of work to do self esteem wise, relationship wise, but now more than anything this man has made me afraid to love my children in the best possible way.
But I can't get past it. Over the past few weeks I have tried and I can't I'm scared.
I'm so angry with him I could scream but instead I cry.
I'm angry that as an adult I have to feel so disgusting and like such a creep telling my story over and over to people. I hate that people will be looking at me and I will feel like they think I'm a horrible, disgusting person.
I am miserable in my own body. I feel at fault and when someone sits and tells me it's ok it's not your fault. I don't believe them how can it not be my fault. I felt uncomfortable and yet I layed there and let him get off my under ware and do things that should not have been done. And then and only then I ran away.
I went to his house for visitation and knew I would get countless uncomfortable events to come. I knew he would be touching me. I didn't stop it. I didn't tell anyone for years later. How can I possibly not be at fault.
I hate that I look like a incredibly weak person because I only have one person I can go to once a week. Who will listen and get me. And 6 days a week I have to deal alone. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!
One minute I go from complete sadness to being more pissed than ever. I feel like a flipping crazy person.
I'm so angry that he managed to steal so much of my life from me. I never even thought it was possible until several months ago. And it was then that I saw first hand how much he had really done.
I take so much pride in being the best mother I can be to my boys. At a latest doctor's appt they needed my son to take off his pants to look at his legs and I felt immediate panic. And I felt a strong urge to tell my son that it was only ok because mommy was with him and this was his doctor. Which of course our ped was fine with.
I realized a few months ago with all the pride and strong passion I have to be a good mom, not perfect but good. I was lacking in a huge way.
See I have all boys and knowing that as a victim of sexual abuse you carry this assumption from other's that because you were abused statically you will abuse too. Well I thought about the way I show my love for my kids and as baby's and infants I cuddle and kiss them, I hold them. But somewhere over the age of 2 I just say I love you and give a hug and kiss before bed.
My oldest is a lover and loves to hang on me, and be hugged all the time. He is much like myself. I long for those things too, but since I was afraid of being hurt I never asked for them and in return I never got them.
It scares the crap out of me that someone will see me hug/kiss my kids and take it the wrong way. I know deep in my heart I would never ever do a thing to my kids. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. But I'm scared shitless because of what I've been through.
So not only do I have a ton of work to do self esteem wise, relationship wise, but now more than anything this man has made me afraid to love my children in the best possible way.
But I can't get past it. Over the past few weeks I have tried and I can't I'm scared.
I'm so angry with him I could scream but instead I cry.
I'm angry that as an adult I have to feel so disgusting and like such a creep telling my story over and over to people. I hate that people will be looking at me and I will feel like they think I'm a horrible, disgusting person.
I am miserable in my own body. I feel at fault and when someone sits and tells me it's ok it's not your fault. I don't believe them how can it not be my fault. I felt uncomfortable and yet I layed there and let him get off my under ware and do things that should not have been done. And then and only then I ran away.
I went to his house for visitation and knew I would get countless uncomfortable events to come. I knew he would be touching me. I didn't stop it. I didn't tell anyone for years later. How can I possibly not be at fault.
I hate that I look like a incredibly weak person because I only have one person I can go to once a week. Who will listen and get me. And 6 days a week I have to deal alone. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!
Finding a place to start
I've thought of ways to try not to feel so alone in this aspect of my life and I'm still not sure I've found one. But I decided to blog about this part of my life and the new journey I am on.
My mother bounced from relationship to relationship while I was growing up, and one of my step father's decided that being a hardcore alcoholic wouldn't be his only family betrayal. He decided that I owed him more than just being his stepdaughter.
At the tender age of ten the ultimate betrayal began. It was new year's eve 1991. I was ten years old and my life forever changed that very night. Innocence was taken from me and I had to quickly grow up.
My stepfather started to molest me that very night and the minutes, days, weeks, months and years that followed.
After my parent's divorced due to his alcoholism I continued to go to his house for visits because my little sister was 9 years younger than me and I couldn't phantom him hurting her and it was all I could do to protect her.
I spent many sleepless night with one eye open, and watching my every move, making sure the bathroom door was locked behind me.
I spent night's under the covers and awaiting the footsteps down the hall.
Darkness tormented me because it was then I knew he would come out. My mom worked graveyard shifts at the gas station, and he knew it was his chance. And even if she was home at night he knew she would be fast asleep and he could pop out.
I'm not sure why my life took this turn or what could possibly make someone want to hurt someone in this manner let alone a child.
But now here I am after 18 years trying to take my life back.
He didn't just molest me, he rapped my babysitter and my best friend. Although when the time did come and I finally years later spoke out no one was behind me.
He was great at making people afraid of him.
My mother bounced from relationship to relationship while I was growing up, and one of my step father's decided that being a hardcore alcoholic wouldn't be his only family betrayal. He decided that I owed him more than just being his stepdaughter.
At the tender age of ten the ultimate betrayal began. It was new year's eve 1991. I was ten years old and my life forever changed that very night. Innocence was taken from me and I had to quickly grow up.
My stepfather started to molest me that very night and the minutes, days, weeks, months and years that followed.
After my parent's divorced due to his alcoholism I continued to go to his house for visits because my little sister was 9 years younger than me and I couldn't phantom him hurting her and it was all I could do to protect her.
I spent many sleepless night with one eye open, and watching my every move, making sure the bathroom door was locked behind me.
I spent night's under the covers and awaiting the footsteps down the hall.
Darkness tormented me because it was then I knew he would come out. My mom worked graveyard shifts at the gas station, and he knew it was his chance. And even if she was home at night he knew she would be fast asleep and he could pop out.
I'm not sure why my life took this turn or what could possibly make someone want to hurt someone in this manner let alone a child.
But now here I am after 18 years trying to take my life back.
He didn't just molest me, he rapped my babysitter and my best friend. Although when the time did come and I finally years later spoke out no one was behind me.
He was great at making people afraid of him.
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