Can't shake this feeling

Ok in group last week we chatted about how being a survivor of childhood incest has effected our lives.

I just sat for a few and listened mainly because somewhere along the weeks prior I forgot that we had that as homework but it was hard to tune them all out and do it when I wanted to listen as well.

So I agreed with most of what was being said. I think for me the biggest life changing things are mostly internal for me.

Sure I hate sex don't see anything amazing or beautiful about it. Other than having children.

But for me I took my abuse and internalized 99% of it. So I am paying for it twice over.

I hate myself
I feel like I am to blame
I question every possible gut feeling I get, because maybe it's just me overreacting.
I tend to shy away from everyone.
I don't feel I will ever be good enough for anyone.
Self blame for everything possible thing in my life is huge.

We chatted a little about that and one of the counselors said that what she does is asks us assign a percentage of blame to ourselves and then we will sit and say well why is 80% your fault and not 79% and I guess work it that way.

Then she said to go home and find a picture of yourself at the age the abuse was taking place and to look at that picture and tell that little girl she is to blame.

Okay no big deal at all, I can do that and so today I pulled out a picture and does it hurt to say that she is wrong? No not all at because I am still her she is still me. And yes we should/could of stopped it, but we didn't.

Another thing she said to do was to go to a park and look at kids the age we were and that if something like that had happened to them would we be able to tell them the abuse is their fault. Well of course I couldn't and no I couldn't sit and tell my child if something like that had happened to them that it was their fault either.

So why is it so hard to accept that maybe just maybe it wasn't my fault?

I'm not really sure but letting go of the blame is very hard and if I am not to blame then who is?

Just looking at the pictures I pulled out I feel so much hate and anger though. I look at my life in pictures and I feel so much hate and anger.

How could someone/anyone get anything sexual out of looking at a 9/10 year old girl. It sickens me.

I look at those pictures and see the pain in my eyes back then, I was rarely smiling in any of the pictures I found, especially the ones with me in them.

A quote

I came across this application on facebook today and it gives you little things God wants you to know. So here was mine for today

On this day of your life, Angela, we believe God wants you to know ... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance


So with that said I really just sat and thought about it....And it may not be what God is truly saying but it really spoke to me, and it's more importantly right.

I don't need to seek for love I need to let the walls I have spent so long building up crumble. But if I do then I am vulnerable, and that is one scary thing.

Time and time again it has been proven and still to this day I will be hurt. But I guess that's where I learn to just let those who love me really love me and those who want to hurt me to just to let them go.

I need to learn to validate that I am worth it, that I matter and more importantly that I deserve it.