Forgiveness and how?

This topic has been on my mind most of my twenty's. As a child I forgave him easily, then it was easier I didn't see the big picture. And as most children your easy to forgive.

But as a thirty something adult, I am struggling with this. How? Can I? Why? But?

I am not sure how to get there. I revoked my forgiveness towards this man a few years back after the loss of my son. I realized how much he stole from me. A normal sex life, a healthy self body image, he gave me a constant fear of dark, men, the unknown and as an adult I am scared for my children.

God forbid, if they were molested I don't know what on earth I would do, but someone would have to hold me back. I would want an eye for an eye. Which I know is not a good Christan. But seriously I am being real.

Getting baptised this weekend I am hoping to find the right answer here. Am I not a good Christan if I don't forgive? And am I being foolish getting baptised without this forgiveness first.

I am not his judge and I cannot live a life with the goal of making him pay. And I don't but at the same time. I just don't feel like I can fully say "I forgive you for what you have done to me".

God will be his judge. But here is another issue. Let's talk Heaven for a second.... We all know those who repent and those who turn their life to God fully believing in him will be saved.

I am not sure how I feel about this. What if he is turning his life to God? After all he is dying and most people do when they die. I don't know if that will save him or not. But the thought of spending time in Heaven with this man makes me sick. I want Heaven so bad I can almost see it some days. I can't wait to be reunited with Ethan and other loved ones.


But I am not sure I want to be there with him, and how fair is it that he may get to go there.

Then I feel guilty I shouldn't be throwing stones and I shouldn't be even thinking this way.

The justice system FAILED me big time. It's corrupt and almost anyone that has dealt with the justice system knows this. Yet I feel so far from a Child of God feeling this way.

But seriously this man got a term of 6 months in jail for what he did to me, alcohol classes, and sex offender classes. Do you want to know what he served? 3 months for good behavior. Some of the alcohol classes and NONE of the sex offender classes. Yes you read all of that correct.

This man stole my life for twenty years and I am just now taking it back and yet he got 3 lousy months.

Explain where on earth anyone in the justice system thinks that's even a lesson?

Yet I think of a dear friend who's husband was killed in an accident, and the forgiveness and love she gave this family was something of admiration, strength, love and courage. The most role model Christan I have ever seen. I want that. I am just not sure how.