Here we go again......

The process of digging up a painful past, always requires work. It's been roughly two years since I have attempted to quit pushing it in the very back of my inner core. To sit with it, to admit it to others and quit trying to hide this part of me.

It's not who I am, but it did change and mold me into who I am and the way I carry myself.

I have been attending a grief workshop for a few and I love it but I also have began grieving a lost childhood lately.

It doesn't make it any easier that Jim (the pastor) has a series called Adopted, he has been doing the past few weeks and it's like he is talking directly to me with thousands of people sitting around me. It's about letting God be our Father like he so wants to be.

At first I was having a hard time with that because plain and simple every father I have had in my life has hurt me in one form or another. So taking a risk on letting someone else be like that is scary. I couldn't meet everyone elses expectations, or desires why would I even come close to upholding his?

Anyways a few weeks back my brother had written me a letter telling me how sorry he was for never being there for me growing up, for never taking my side with his father. And reading his words, made all those old wounds sting again.

I am not and will not be mad at him, he didn't know any better. But it dug all the old crap up.

I am not sure why I did still still, but one night at the grief workshop I was struggling a lot. And semi confided in Nan about a little of it.

Then a week or so later sat in her office and exploded my baggage right there in her office. Left myself raw and bare. It was humiliating, encouraging and scary all at the same time. I cried I think as hard as I did the day we lost Ethan.

She was amazing plain and simple. Reminding me of the constant love of our savior and father. That he was there and I just needed to let him hold me, and then she held me. A few ah ha moments came that day and it was refreshing.

I also gave her my court paper work in hopes that I can finally let go of those stupid things and realize I don't need a freaking piece of paper to validate one of the worst events in my life. I know it happened and God knows it did. And if people really love me they will believe me too.

It was scary and I had a pit in my stomach letting go of them and a little freak out "what the hell did I do" moment when I got home.

But a few weeks later I have to say I feel so much lighter. Maybe burning them with her would have been better.

So onto the next phase of my life. Letting God use the abuse I suffered in ways to help others. A moment I have been waiting for , for several years. I have always said this can't be empty pain can it? I need to do something with it. Which is why I started this blog a few years ago. In hopes someone sitting at home will be nodding their head along with every line and saying "me too". That someone gets them, their pain, their hope and struggles.

I get that. I get the
"I just want to die this hurts too much" pain
the "I can't do this anymore or at all"
the "why me?"
"this isn't fair"
"no one will like me if they find out"
"If anyone knew they'd run in the opposite direction"
"I feel dirty"
"It was my fault, I didn't stop it or the I kinda enjoyed it" (which I still struggle with, but if you can't look another vicitm child in the eyes and tell them it was their fault, then how on earth can it be your fault?"
"I was scared and maybe I still am"
the shameful feelings, hurt, anger, resentment and "where the hell was God"


I needed so much to not necessarily sit face to face with someone to feel gotten, but even reading someone else hurt the way I did and know I wasn't alone.

I am slowly getting that, it's still not easy but it's become easier.

I joined the shift group at our church last night. At first I was ok with going and a little excited......Then I got there and my heart was pounding and I was thinking "what on earth did I get myself into". But I sat and I sat uncomfortably.
And at a point I almost walked out and got my son and got into my car and drove away. But I couldn't dear Nan came and sat right next to me. Maybe that was God stepping in saying "Don't you dare you need this Angela". And he was right I do so need it, but it's so hard to want something you need when it's going to hurt.

And it hurt last night in group, when we had to give a brief this is why I am here statement. I didn't have to say a single word before the tears started flowing. And to top it off the person running the group was someone I know from church in another group.

So the whole "OMG she is going to think, that girl really is broken and what a mess she is" popped into my head instantly. I almost skipped saying anything, but I forced myself.

And the words "My name is Angela and I attend another workshop at flatirons, but this is my first shift experience. I am here because I was molested for 3-4 years as a child, and raised in a very abusive/dysfunctional home and have become so co dependant, making sure I please and do everything for everyone else first" popped out of my mouth.

Instant pain yet gratification came to head. I couldn't believe I said that out loud. And words are power but of course since I am so co dependant I freaked and wondered what all these people are sitting there thinking of me.

I cried again last night and I let the enemy get a little head way, then I came home and I poured out my heart. I told God to please just be there, just wrap him arms around me and to let me know it will be ok, that I can do this, that I need it and I want it so bad. I want my life back and I want freedom from this hell. And I thanked him, for Nan that woman was placed into my life for a reason and I adore her. I wouldn't be where I am right now without her. And I thanked him for Flatirons and the blessings that continue to flow from that place.

And I fell asleep singing in my head.

So I will start blogging again as I start this part of my journey again with God a little more near and the people he has put into my life as my cheerleaders.

It won't be easy but it WILL be worth it.