Courage

I came across a quote awhile back ago that went something like this.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

Oh how fitting that has been for me. I think I have been courageous for a few months now. Did I just say something nice about myself? Yikes !! I guess I did.

None the less I have been doing a ton of work on myself, in myself and with God. I have let people in, that a year ago I wouldn't of. It was never a good thing to rely on anyone, to trust anyone. It was a way to wake up to a broken heart. I kept anyone who showed interest in me at an arms length. I was to the point where now I could have a say in the outcome of things, relationships I guess.

And so if I thought I would get hurt I would just end the friendship. I didn't want people to find out about me, about what I had been through. I would fear they would either 1. Run as quick as possible in the other direction, think horrible things. Or 2. Pitty me for what kind of life I had been through, tell me how strong I was. When I felt like a small scared mouse honestly. And then they would later hurt me, leave me. So I guess 2 would be love me out of pitty not love me authentically.

I have totally thrown myself at a bus the last few months. It has been terrifying to say the least. I am letting people in, forming relationships and using this brokenness I have been dealt to try to change the world one person at a time.

I have formed several relationships~ One of the most important to God. I am letting him steer the wheel in my life. It's insane sometimes, scary and exciting all at once. Then a few new friends. Which, to be honest I still worry they will walk out of my life too. I feel so good most days about letting them in, and others I sit waiting for them to walk out, for them to change, to decide I am not worth loving.

A few times I have found myself trying to push them away, and I am not sure if they even noticed, probably not..... Mostly because I catch myself do it. But it's so hard when everyone who should of loved you didn't. I have a giant family right here in Co with me. And yet, I am pretty much alone.

I find myself from time to time slipping back into the old me, the scared, nervous, anxious little girl, inside me. It's hard to be courageous at times.

And it's even harder when I have totally put myself out there, when I stand a huge chance of being hurt by people I know. I am taking risks I never thought I would. And I am only hoping God keeps giving me the courage to keep going.

It's not easy being codependant, and wanting so much just to be loved.

I have a dam big heart, and I worry other people may think it's to buy their friendship. I promise it's not. I just love those in my life well. I try as hard as I can to know if tomorrow never comes you knew I loved you. Not with gifts that necessarly cost, but my hugs, my time, my texts letting you know I am thinking of you. Anything I can do.......... I am a card freak, I just enjoy letting people know I care.

A good old friend brought up something I long shoved into a little box in the back of my head so I would never have to deal with it again........ And I am glad she brought it up, even though she feels bad. I need courage to put this one out there too...

I am scared, I hate myself for it, and I don't want anyone to think less of me. So I will continue to pray for courage to help others, to let someone know they aren't alone if they too have been through this....

I can't change it but I can use it...