Do you ever just want...........

Your life to be semi normal? To not feel like the person with all these things attached to you?

I know there is no real normal, but for so long I've always felt like an outcast, like a person with a disease whom no one would want to be around.

Normal for me is/was......Being alone, isolated by my own choice and sometimes by my family, feeling like I'm from another planet where..... Cutting, wanting to die that was normal. Sitting in sadness most of the time, or fear 99% of the time. Do people really not live that way?

Normal became my father molesting me, my father abandoning me, my mother very verbally and physically abusing me. But somewhere inside I knew it wasn't normal.

Whether it be just looking at another family, my friends family or any one's family really. They didn't function the way we did. They laughed, did things together, hugged, held each other, sure maybe even they cried. We were so much different, we lived in silence or total yelling chaos all the time. Bruises are normal I guess that's why for the longest time when I first started cutting I didn't hide the marks, until I realized that other people were confused by them.

Even as a grown adult I can be in a room full of people and still feel like an outcast, isolated and alone. This is something I have to learn to just let go. But at the same time I am not sure how to.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. When I am told I am loved, or held, I embrace it and then later I freak out about it. I am not sure why that is, other than because it's so unknown and unfamiliar. And if I am honest, I am sitting and waiting in fear. That person will love me, change their mind about me or they will hurt me. I just have this horrible feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach.

But I am trying my best to be who I was made to be which is someone who loves so deeply, so I am going to keep doing it, even if it's in fear. Eventually, it will start to feel normal and good more than not.

I just wish ...........................

It wasn't so darn hard to not feel like a freak.............

I wish I could let others love me without fear......................

I wish I could love myself...........................

I wish I had never been molested and that it didn't feel so vial still, that talking about it didn't make me cringe........................................

That I could forgive myself.........................................

That I could believe God loves me.............................

That my friends love me............................................

That it will all be ok...............................................

That I am not weak for needing help..............................

That I am strong and death isn't the right choice.....................

That suicide isn't something needing to be achieved to have peace...................

That I am beautiful and my abuse isn't my physical characteristics.....................................

That sex really isn't this nasty thing people do, that it can be fun without pain.........

That my life is for a purpose not torment.........................................................

That I will do better than my parents did and not screw up my little ones....................................

That I am bringing light to Jesus and not shame..............................................

That if people know what I have been through, they will still love me not run from me................

Somedays I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, ready to say screw it........ Lately I have been finding myself teetering on the edge so close. Many don't even know it. But I feel so broken and lost, sad more than not.

Maybe it's because of all the work I am doing, in combination of my son's 4th heavenly birthday just weeks away, and for some reason this year is just too hard. I know that letting people in has been freeing but yet it's also got me freaked out. That I am depending on them too much and it will scare them off. That my husband may be taking a different path in his career which I am blessed he will get to do. However I will be alone for weeks on end, and isolation will really set in. I am scared to be alone.

But the good part of all of this, is that I have been putting myself out there to get a little more help, to find people I can spend time with and trust.

I just want to feel like a normal person not a freak.