Who is that girl?

As long as I can remember I know I hated looking in the mirror...looking at that girl that starred back at me. Sure I looked in it, to get ready for the day. But I avoided eye contact, and made it quick.

I don't know when it started of course, but I could never believe that was me.

I felt so ugly, and had so much hatred at myself, that a simple glance in the mirror didn't make sense.

How did that girl that looked back at me, have an ounce of life in her? Sure she wasn't beautiful by any means but she wasn't ugly. How is that me?

I felt so cold on the inside, dead, lost, tortured. I guess the best way to describe it would be.......

How I felt on the inside had to remotely appear on the outside to others. I felt like if someone looked at me they just knew, knew who I was. What disgusting thing I had been through.

When I thought of myself, I picture a dirty, ragged, ugly little girl. Sitting perhaps in a corner by herself. So vial not one would imagine coming near her, sitting with her and definitely not loving her. How could they???


Here at almost 31, I realize how tainted my vision of myself was. I didn't love myself there was no way anyone else would want to love me either.

And a big AND if they did love me, they too just wanted to hurt me, to take advantage of her too.

I hid behind clothing, nothing reveling that would attract attention and I surely didn't want that. And I don't mean in a sexual way really. But if attention was caused then they would know what disgusting thing had been done to me, that I had allowed to happen to me. Or they would see how easy I was and take advantage of me too. Color was a no no, it would attact attention too.

Even as a skinny girl till my junior year in high school weighing a whole 110-120lbs. I thought I was ugly. I had fat thighs, ugly hair, ugly teeth and my face ugh don't even get me started.

Then I went on the depo shot my junior year of high school. And then I really did get fat. I gained 80lbs in a year. Weight that no matter what sport I played, how much I starved myself, per the doctor it was water weight.

Well water weight was not coming off at all, so then my eating disorder took a nose dive. I became even more obsessed with making sure I punished this fat girl. I starved myself a lot more often, I used food as a punishment. Took it away when I upset someone, and a few times tried to eat and throw up. I could not do that though. It was much easier to just not eat or if I had to eat a salad it was.

Even now as a 30 something adult, I still struggle with that. A lot of people eat to comfort themselves I on the other hand am a food starver. When I am depressed I starve myself.

Not even intentionally anymore, just a habit. When I am mad at myself I don't eat, when I am sad I don't eat and when I feel I let someone down I don't eat. I am so not sure what this accomplishes, other than just like cutting. It's a release.

Don't worry I don't need an intervention, I am a work in progress.

I wish loving myself was easier. But it's not. Here I am 63lbs lighter than I was 9 months earlier, and I still hate the way I look.

I look in the mirror and I see a mistake, I see a beautiful heart yes, but a not so beautiful reflection of myself. I am by far my worst critic I get that.

For example I went clothes shopping the other night. I used to wear a XL sometimes and XXL for comfort to hide myself. And now I am in a large to a medium in shirts. So I need clothes my closet is thin at best. I went into three different stores and walked out with one simple cami top. That's it. I had the money and my husbands approval to get a new wardrobe. But EVERYTHING I tried on, didn't look right, or felt awkward like I was trying too hard to look good/in style. I got frustrated with myself, with the clothes I put everything back on the rack and left.

I hope I can learn to love myself and not glare at myself in disgust when I look in the mirror, I have hope this will get easier. Now I can look at her with admiration of her heart, soul and the triumphet work she is doing, I just want to love her back.

I sometimes sit and wonder, who this girl in the mirror is?


I came across this today and had to share, it hit home...
‎"These tears we cry
are falling rain
for all the lies you told us
the hurt, the blame.
And we will weep to be so alone,
we are lost
we can never go home."

~ lyric by Fran Walsh