Finally I can breathe

I had my interview today with Lifefix and it was emotional, amazing, crazy, scary, terrifying, exciting and a relief all in one.

I was terrified and yet so ready to do it. Although once I was done I had to go sit outside for a few minutes, and just breathe and let lose and cry. Feel each tear drop as it trickled down my face, and embrace it. Tears of joy and tears of fear still.

I can't put into words how it felt really, or not adequately how I feel I guess.

I had to sit across from male, and I was very nervous at first, and my good friend Nan sat close where I could see her. I love her for that, although I never looked at her, I knew the second I did I would lose it and cry. The tears were already so frequent, I didn't want to provoke those darn things.

I spent several moments throughout it chocking up and unable to speak for a second each time. But quickly gained composure and thoughts and started again.

God was so with me, a few times when the interviwer talked I remember saying, "just get up and leave", and I think one time I really considered it. I then felt my loving heavely father rest his hand on my shoulder, telling me I was doing just great. And somehow I pushed through, despite the uncomfortable feelings, emotions.

And I am so glad I did, however when the night falls and you sit alone in bed, or on the car ride home from church alone tonight, I became a mess. Second guessing myself, wondering what on earth I got myself into.

I didn't say some of the things I should of, or could of and I was angry with myself, and then I thought, "Is this really going to help anyone?, or hurt me more?"

And I sobbed and cranked up the radio, nothing of comfort to be found really. But I guess that's where you sit with it. There is no reasoning with myself right now, I'm raw, I'm emotional and overly tired ok exhausted would be much more fitting.

And there isn't a dam thing I can do to change today, how it played out or didn't play out and I need to just pray to God, let go and know that godo will come of this.

Maybe not for several months, maybe not for a year. But good has to come of this.