Feeling the pain within

Okay so yesterday I made a big move, again something I was terrified to do but managed to conquer and in the end my head made it much worse than it was in reality.

I walked into the doors of RAAP (rape assistance and awareness program). The simple title is enough to make a victim of abuse cringe.

As I walked through the doors my heart sunk all of the people in these walls would know why I was there its no secret you only come there for one reason and my reason wouldn't be known in detail but matter of fact they knew.

The people who greeted me were very nice so it was a bit overwhelming at first.

Then as I sat there waiting for the person I was suppose to meet I glanced around the room. Again a typical event for me and most victims. Ok I hate that word so I will just say survivor from now on. But my eyes fixed on all the objects in the room.

There were little homemade hearts around the room. Each made by someone as far as I could tell. One heart had a set of hand on it and it said "mommy hold me". My gut sank a little lower.

My mom was never there for me and now it's almost become she doesn't deserve me type of thing. I still find myself standing at an arms length from her to protect myself.

I wasn't just molested by my step dad I was emotionally and mentally abused by my mom, and I was also physically abused as well.

I can see events in my head as if they were yesterday. Sure the bruises are gone but all the mental trauma is still there. I remember to this day my mom being upset with me over something a normal child would do and I had a best friend over at the time. My mother sat over me screaming and yelling at me. Then she grabbed my hair and slammed my head into my hamster's glass cage.

Not only did she physically hurt me but she damaged me forever by that one event. I was humiliated in front of a friend that my mother would do this to me. Let alone in front of someone else.

Talk about rapping me mentally.

Anyways I seemed to jump a bit ahead. So back to my meeting. The therapist came into the reception room and handed me a packet to kill out. You know all the normal questions...why are you here? what are you wanting? what happened? etc etc...

I then followed her to a little room noticing all over the walls pictures that said "Safe Zone", and I at that moment still didn't feel so safe. Not that someone there would physically hurt me. But knowing in my head I had to fess up about everything. Then she told me that this would have to be reported.

My heart fell a little deeper in my stomach. It had already been reported once and the thoughts of that hell were enough to make me sick.

I sat through all her questions and cried of course. But also tried to keep the "I'm so strong" appearance.

As I left I felt ok I didn't think I would be ok with it all but in the end it wasn't as tormenting as I thought.