A letter to my abuser

Wanye,
I'm sorry for digging this up 18 years later, but I don't think I ever got the closure I needed. You either denied that the abuse ever took place or blamed it on your alcohol problem.

Now that I'm a parent myself I cannot even phantom someone touching one of my children. They would have to get past me first. And I'm even more disgusted that you did the things you did more than once with my mom in the next room.

You had managed to rob eighteen years of my life from me, and I'm just now learning all the ways your abuse affected me. But I'm learning to take my life back now.

Yo not only physically touched me multiple times but you played mind games with me. You made me lose trust in other adults, you robbed me of my self esteem, and made my hate myself.

I still to this day blame myself for you all did to me. All because I never made you stop, I never spoke up because I was afraid. So you got to continue to have fun.

I still to this day look at men differently, I cannot even see a male doctor without my heart pounding and my hands feeling weak. I sit in fear with my heart racing that I will be hurt by one of them.

You tore my family apart, I'm afraid of the dark, I feel like I have to look over my shoulder all the time. All of this to deal with and for nothing more than your pleasure. There is so much more I cannot even begin to talk about.

You were able to walk away from all of this, whether or not you feel bad about any of this I don't know and I don't think I even care. Really the damage is done and now I'm left to pick up the pieces and mend my torn, broken heart.

You hurt my best friend, my babysitter and all because you had the fear installed in them, when I did speak up I was left alone, and you got to walk away with in my opinion a mear smack on the hand.

I always thought it would be better off to forgive you and that that's what I needed to do to heal, but Iv sense learned that I don't think I can or ever will forgive you. Only monster's do this type of thing to anyone let alone a child, their child. I don't think this is ever something that will just go away.

I sat in court scared as can be, and you walked around with a smile on your face, with your dad from across the room with a smile on his face and telling me what a liar I was. Good tactics I guess because it worked I froze and never gave my statement to the court.

I guess this wont accomplish much but that's ok if it doesn't, for once I was able to give myself a voice.

Ive never once received a "I'm sorry", just all of your excuses. One minute how you don't remember, the next how it only happened because you were drunk so it wasn't your fault.

I hope you rot in hell

Taking my life back,
Angela