Drainned

I could crawl into bed today and not come back out. I have the worst headache and my body is just feeling crummy.

I had a session this morning and it was one of the most emotional sessions I had in a long time. I just wanted to curl up on the couch there and cry.

We talked about the neighbor issue and explaining to my uncle that I feel uncomfortable with that guy in my house, I want to crawl out of my skin and die even thinking about it. In the end I'm ok with it, but I know it wont be easy.

Then we talked about the way I feel with the abuse and how I feel so alone and how no one else gets me.

I have such a distorted sense of security and safety. Its annoying and unpleasant feeling this way.

Rae kept telling me over and over that its not my fault. I kept telling her how wrong she was but she wouldn't let me believe that. Which is fine and I get what she says I just didn't agree.

The first time ok that's not my fault, but not telling anyone is my fault. The fact I didn't stop him or even telling him no all the years after is my fault.

The fact that every time my underwear came off because of him and I didn't say no, the fact that he ripped my bath towel off me years later is my fault.

I could have stopped every event that followed the first one had I just told someone. I could have saved myself all the misery, pain, fear all the years after it.

I didn't and I just wanted to scream when she kept telling me it wasn't my fault. I have a special place in my heart for Rae and I care about her but I just don't think she understands it is my fault.

I get that I was a child and my perception of right and wrong and safety were off but that doesn't make me innocent.

I cannot believe I let him do the things to me he did. I didn't say NO and I didn't tell a soul.

More than anything I just want to be understood and I feel so misunderstood by everyone but her.

I haven't been able to cry in week on these dam med's and now the freaking tears wont stop and I just want to hid out from the rest of the world.