How do you not be so Angry?

Granted I know that because no one really allowed to heal and grieve all that I lost that I am now dealing with this all. But ugh its so demanding of every emotion possible to mankind.

One minute I go from complete sadness to being more pissed than ever. I feel like a flipping crazy person.

I'm so angry that he managed to steal so much of my life from me. I never even thought it was possible until several months ago. And it was then that I saw first hand how much he had really done.

I take so much pride in being the best mother I can be to my boys. At a latest doctor's appt they needed my son to take off his pants to look at his legs and I felt immediate panic. And I felt a strong urge to tell my son that it was only ok because mommy was with him and this was his doctor. Which of course our ped was fine with.

I realized a few months ago with all the pride and strong passion I have to be a good mom, not perfect but good. I was lacking in a huge way.

See I have all boys and knowing that as a victim of sexual abuse you carry this assumption from other's that because you were abused statically you will abuse too. Well I thought about the way I show my love for my kids and as baby's and infants I cuddle and kiss them, I hold them. But somewhere over the age of 2 I just say I love you and give a hug and kiss before bed.

My oldest is a lover and loves to hang on me, and be hugged all the time. He is much like myself. I long for those things too, but since I was afraid of being hurt I never asked for them and in return I never got them.

It scares the crap out of me that someone will see me hug/kiss my kids and take it the wrong way. I know deep in my heart I would never ever do a thing to my kids. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. But I'm scared shitless because of what I've been through.

So not only do I have a ton of work to do self esteem wise, relationship wise, but now more than anything this man has made me afraid to love my children in the best possible way.

But I can't get past it. Over the past few weeks I have tried and I can't I'm scared.

I'm so angry with him I could scream but instead I cry.

I'm angry that as an adult I have to feel so disgusting and like such a creep telling my story over and over to people. I hate that people will be looking at me and I will feel like they think I'm a horrible, disgusting person.

I am miserable in my own body. I feel at fault and when someone sits and tells me it's ok it's not your fault. I don't believe them how can it not be my fault. I felt uncomfortable and yet I layed there and let him get off my under ware and do things that should not have been done. And then and only then I ran away.

I went to his house for visitation and knew I would get countless uncomfortable events to come. I knew he would be touching me. I didn't stop it. I didn't tell anyone for years later. How can I possibly not be at fault.

I hate that I look like a incredibly weak person because I only have one person I can go to once a week. Who will listen and get me. And 6 days a week I have to deal alone. THIS SUCKS!!!!!!