Dear Dad

It's me your little girl or I guess not so little girl anymore. Do you even remember me?

It's been over a year since I talked to you last. I even wrote you a letter last summer (08) and never got a response from you.

How do you just walk away? Am I really that horrible? I can't imagine so. In fact I've grown into a pretty darn good woman. I'm a loving mother of 4 amazing boys.
I'm a photographer, childcare provider, charity giver and aspiring psychothearpist. You name it and that's me.

I want to be so much and accomplish so much in my life time. Yet what I really wanted was a mother and father who just really love me. Yet I can't have that and more than anything I want to know why?

Sure your in jail you have been there. But where are the letter's I used to get? the ones that told me how proud of me you were, that said you loved me.

Does it really just end like that? What is it about me that you can't love?

You have 3 stepsons, and two other girls whom you adore and spend the time with. Write to etc but not me. Why? That's all I want to know and I will move on.

I guess after 28 years I should just accept that this is the way it will always be. Broken promises, excuses.

I don't understand and I'm very hurt I never got to be the little girl who's dad gave her away at her wedding, who went to school functions and cheered her on, who sat out side of the delivery room just to see her daughter grow into a woman and mother herself. I never got to be daddy's little girl and I don't get it.


How on earth do you birth children and see life through their eyes for a few years and then decide its not for you.

I understand you both were young but dammit I needed you. I needed more than anything you. To show me what boys were all about, to protect me, to hold me when I needed it, to just say you love me.

I was molested by my stepfather and never in the past 12 years since I met you have you sat and told me you were sorry and that you wished you could have protected me.

It's not your fault it happened and I know that. But had you been there for me maybe this would never have happened. Or maybe I would have had that one person I could have confided in and I would have gone to you. Maybe I would have been living with you and not mom at that time so it would never have happened.

I hate men I really do not a single one of you has shown me that men can be nice, good, decent people. I see the total opposite.

I guess I don't understand how you can walk away the way you have. Did I mean anything to you at all? If so then why did you walk away and never fight for me? Or even since I found you on my own at 15 why have you continued to walk in and out of my life.

Or if you decided that really it was not for you why did you keep coming in and out of my life for years to just walk back out with broken promises?

Why can you love the other kids and not me? Or at least you don't show it the way you show it to them.

I just want for once to be loved and to have a person to call dad. I have a wonderful stepfather who has raised me even though it was not his job. But I always pushed all the other men away in hopes someday you would come back.

Having a voice

During my session we talked about what it would mean and how it would feel to have a voice.

Mainly to my mom....I'm absolutely terrified of speaking up I have never really been able to unless its been a bad fight. I'm afraid that she will hurt me more emotionally than anything.

I just don't want to feel like crap or second guess myself in an argument. She is never wrong, and will argue over the stupidest crap even if she is wrong. Even if its a conversation over a law she will say she is right.

I don't want to deal with more emotional pain than I already have to. It doesn't make sense to fight with her when I know I will lose. I have lost for 28 years.

I'm already dealing with issues of not feeling loved and to fight about my deepest feelings I'm sure would push her away more than she already is.

I'm tired of not being cared for by anyone around me. And if I speak up then I will risk her walking away completely.

I just want more than anything for her to hug me, to tell me she cares, that she is sorry.

What is wrong with me? Why is it that my husband, my family no one can do that for me. I do love myself I believe I am worth loving.

Yet she had grankids that she is not afraid to love, hold and tell them how much she cares about them. Why not me?

I'm proud of the person I have become. I think I'm worth it. I just want to be shown that I'm worth it, that people love me.

I feel like I have this big marking on me that shows the world that I shouldn't be loved or cared for I don't know of a single person that is living a life like mine, so maybe it is me.

Everyone has someone else who will wrap their arms around them and say they care, I don't.


Standing up and having a voice will rid the slightest possibility of that happening.

I just I'm hanging on to the dream of someone loving me. They say no one will love you until you love yourself, and I do. I eat right, I'm working on the inside and out to make myself feel better and love myself. I don't love the way I look I hate it but I do love who I am on the inside and the heart I carry on my sleeve.


I try to treat other's the way I want to be treated. I'm just a very caring person overall. I strive to be a good person, give back in every way I can, to raise my boys to be honorable men and loving. I want to be proud of myself and I guess I'm still looking for acceptance from other's I want other people to be proud of me too. That I will agree is more than likley the little girl in me. But I do want other's to be proud they know me, have realtionships from me. Want to be around me because I am a good person.

I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. Because nothing good has really ever come of it, and more often than not I end up losing.

I think every child wants to be their parents pride and joy. Why can't I be my parent's both of them? My dad has been non-existant forever and has told me he was proud of me only to walk away. Its been over a year since I have talked to my dad.

Who picked this life and why?

Some days I sit and look at my life and wonder who picked it and why? Sometimes in total disbelief that I'm really living this way

Christmas came and went thank god and without many setback surprisingly. But of course I knew it would be too good to be true.

The family drama started today with my grandma of course and its always the same thing. So and so hurt so and so's feelings and how someone feels left out.

I finally had a huge crying fit tonight and I yelled I was pretty mad and I never do that but this is insane.

No wonder I am so insecure, scared. I am I'm glad I have been able to become this person but at the same time really isn't there an easier way to become this type of person?

Why have I been chosen to live this life? I trust there is a purpose but really didn't being molested give me enough pain, hurt why add to it?

Since I was a little girl I have always become so compassionate and I deeply care about other people. And I don't just care about everyone but relationships that mean a lot to me I do put my all into it.

I just don't understand why I was picked to live life this way.

Something to write about

So Im suppose to write about how I feel about hearing the term "the little girl within".

Right now when I hear it, for some reason I feel like its an insult to an extent. I know people don't mean it that way but I feel as if Im being degraded so to speak.

I feel like Im being told how childish I am when Ive always had to be grown up.

Im really not sure what else I am suppose to write about in regards to this.

My four years of hell

I sat and thought about how long the abuse happened and Ive never really done that before at all.

So It started at least from what I remember on New years eve 1991 I was 10.. in fourth grade and then I finally spoke up when I was seventh grade. So for four years this continued to different degrees.

It wasn't all bad some days he would leave me alone. Others it was oral, my towels being ripped off of me or just touching, the night wakings to being rubbed or making comments as I got older about my body changing and how beautiful my body had become. More than not it was just sexual jesters or demands.

The alcohol was horrible though, I know that's why I don't drink. He always reaked of alcohol and I always had to witness his drunk episodes. The one time when I came home from school and the door was locked I knocked forever. I went to the front of the house and the back of the house and nothing. It was cold and I just sat there.
Finally after awhile he emerged out of the hallway. Walking drunk, running into walls.

After I was let in the house he went to the bathroom how he got there Im not sure but he did. And was throwing up. Then he fell I heard him from my room, and Im not sure why I ran to check on him, how sick who does that? But he had blood all over him I was scared for him.

How can he make me care when I knew he was hurting me and I didn't like it? Its pretty disgusting.

I sat and watched him repeatably abuse my mother, pushing her, hitting her. One night he pushed her so hard she hit the glass kitchen table and fell into the glass and couldn't get up. I ran out of the house to get help from a near by neighbor and friend. I stayed there and of course my mom called her house screaming at me for leaving and telling someone.

I never once got an "I'm sorry" for all my mother had put me through. I know she went through a lot I saw it all but she had a choice regardless of how hard it may have been. It wasn't fair for us to stand by and watch him.

I remember one night being abruptly woken up by my mom because he had got into a horrible car accident and hit a light pole and was in serious condition. The conclusion is of course he was so drunk.

Finally the release I needed

It seems so simple and easy, but at first completely overwhelming. I think today I was able to make a connection with it all.

When times get hard most people have someone they can turn to. Maybe a spouse, friend, just someone to vent to.

I have my counselor once a week for 50 minutes and that 50 minutes goes by so fast that I don't feel I get much done or I don't feel much weight lifted off my chest.

So my goal now is to continue this journey...its going to be very hard I know that in my heart, I know I can do it but I need to find a way that when times get overly tough like they did this week, that I have someone I can reach out to. Or if I don't have anyone that I can somehow get past the horrible feeling of asking for more time with my counselor. Its not something I want to happen often but I think realistically I need more than myself 6 days a week on rough weeks.

Sure it sucks that I have to pay for it when most people have that someone else they can sit face to face with and feel understood. But if that helps me get through this process without crossing boundaries, without becoming a complete disaster then I think its well worth it and I can succeed.

Today just sitting there and having Rae to chat with and someone to tell my inner most feelings to, was yes overwhelming and nerve wracking and I think I cried harder than ever in front of her. I felt like a complete idiot having such a break down in front of her, Ive never once in my life broke down to where someone else had to come over to me and comfort me.

But in the end I was able to say most of what I felt inside of me and feel ok about saying it. It was hard and I could feel the panic setting in talking so truthfully about my feelings of no one loving me, the abuse, my feelings with counseling etc.

Here are my goals for now...
* to be able to talk about the abuse with Rae all of it, before I start these classes in Jan. I can trust her and the process more with her than I can with complete strangers.

* Come up with my plan of action when things become not just hard, but more overwhelming like this week.
1.Journal
2.take a walk
3. go to the gym
4.listen to up beat music
5. allow myself to cry and be upset knowing its normal
6.listen to Rae's relaxation tape
7.read, take me time
8.call someone I can trust
9 if all else fails call for another appt


* Take one week at a time, not anymore than that. One week may be too much but the following may be do-able.

* Learn to respect that I am human and my emotions are ok and normal.

* Learn to trust my gut feeling with everything.

* Take more me time

A song by Creed

"Wash Away Those Years"

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years

For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean

Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years

This Journey

This journey is one of pain, tears, overwhelming sadness and fear.

Its a journey most would walk away from.

But how do you walk away when regardless of dealing with it head on, its there regardless?

Most days in my pain of losing my son I am able to put on my hiking boots and trample over the forbidden terrain, rocky and unstable ground but this journey I need a dam bulldozer for all of this.

That would be nice to just make it all disappear with a simple easy cleaning. As if the whole events in my life weren't enough they have left me incapacitated at times.

This journey is not one in 18 years that Ive been able to overcome alone. Yet here I stand alone once again but this time in my life so much of this journey has been dug up when prior it was buried deep below.

So walking away just isn't as simple as I wish it could be. Its there in my every thought, the every hiccup of my life.

Its not simple, its not fair I'm alone. The only person who I have whom I should be able to trust is my husband but I don't even have that. Because he doesn't get it and to him dealing with this all makes me psychotic.

Which really maybe I am. One moment I'm fine and something as simple as someone else digging up the details of my past makes me wanna die. So psychotic I am.

Knowing I'm walking away from all of this knowing in my heart I want nothing more than to be healed is making me feel like such a failure, like I'm an inconvenience to the rest of the world and like I'm letting everyone including myself down. I just cannot do this without someone whom I can trust.

I just want for once in my life for someone to love me and for someone to be genuine with me. No lies don't tell me you care when you don't. Why am I so unlovable? Why does no one want to really care about me? Its like almost everyone Ive known my whole life tells me they care and then just walk away.

I feel like if I was to be killed, die in a wreck or even kill myself no one would care. My kids are all I have, that's a lot don't get me wrong. But they love me and all the things kids do because I'm their mom, its what kids do. Again an obligation for now. Now when they are older and feel they have a choice to love or hate me it will be different. Other than my kids no one needs me, wants me, desires me.

I honestly feel I have nothing to offer anyone, and I try as hard as I can to be the friend, mate etc that I want in others. I'm honest, hardworking, loving. But I don't get it back.

Its a pity party and I know that but I just want to be noticed in a good way, not in a crazy way like most see me. The girl with problems who lost her son and cries a lot, the girl who's dad molested her, see beyond the fat girl that no one loves and cares about.

A poem I wrote today

The Mirror

When I look into the mirror what do I see?
A girl filled with self hatred and envy. Her very appearance is tattered and worn.
For the life she has lived is nothing to adore.

The glare in her eyes tells a story of hurt, confusion and sadness. Her story has turned her green eyes grey and the walls around her heart have built higher to protect her from all she knows.

When I look at her and then look at me I see a common ground in the stories we share.

One's of hope dashed, dreams shattered, and a heart seeking love and acceptance.

But if people knew the real her they'd run and hide as they have always done.

I look at her hands gentle and true, wanting nothing more than someone to hold her too.

For this mirror tells a story no one wants to hear.

Bear with my anger

Tonight Iv been blogging like crazy its like a freaking title wave pulling me under. But as soon as I stop something else comes up.

After my last journal that I wrote not on here, I started thinking maybe there is something wrong with me. And I mean it so don't laugh.

But my dad left when I was 2 and never fought a single day in his life for me, I was adopted at the age of 2-3 I believe and my stepfather whom is the only man I call dad died when I was 5, I was molested at the age of 10, my mother repeatedly abused me throughout childhood, I was told at 16 she wished she had an abortion with me, at 16 I found my dad and he promised me the moon and stars and then abandoned me again, at the age of 20 I got married and he cheated on me, at 26 I lost my third child not even counting the previous and subsequent miscarriages, and my husband and I or maybe more I am fighting for my marriage.

I don't think I have ever truly been loved by a single person. I have been a target of pain, hurt and torture for my whole life.

What the hell is wrong with me, why is it that I have this scarlet letter on my forehead? What did I do to deserve this life.

I don't trust anyone I'm scared to, sure they say they care about me and more, but past has proven that in the end it will all crash down on me.

I cant tell anyone how much I just want to be loved and I mean really loved, not out of pity, or obligation but just love me for me and what I have to offer. Am I really that unloveable? What did I do to deserve this life sentense? How do I accept that this is the life I was chosen for and accept it and move in successfully?

I think prior I was able to be successful with it all but maybe not as healthly as it could/should have been. But I was able to survive. So I guess Im back to plan A which is the life I have previously led. It cant be all that bad.

When am I going to tell that so called little girl inside me to shut up already. More than anything I just wish I had someone who wanted to just sit and hold me while I drown in my sorrow or cry with me. In 28 years Iv never got that so why dont I just let it go? Why is that need so flipping strong? I can't say never I have had someone special sit right in front of me and shed a few tears.

I'm sick of having to contain everything alone

I have decided as of now Im done with this journey, its too rocky, too unstable and to do it alone is not what I want/need. I have a few people I can chat with online about this whole thing with, but having someone to sit and talk face to face with when I really need it isnt possible right now. I dont have a soul I can trust and this is not an easy journey to travel alone.

It's not fair to my counselor or I to be stopping and starting this process all the time, nor do I want something that should be easy to take a lifetime becauase of stopping and starting again. In time I will be ready or at least I imagine or maybe I will decide I am ok with the way my life is.

I feel like a burden to my counselor and like I have to watch out all the time and make sure I do everything right. It's not her fault its mine and its the way I function. But Im always afraid of asking for too much or feeling competely horrible because I'm not getting enough. Again not her fault its the lack of people I can trust in my life. I'm tired of feeling like such an inconvience to everyone around me.

I have managed to do a lot alone before but I think leaving this whole thing alone as I had been doing prior was much less intense and a heck of a lot easier than this process is now.

This is bullshit

I'm beyond sick and tired of dealing with this type of crap in life.

After talking to the RAAP counselor today and being told she is going to call social services because its her job to report the abuse even though she knows no details, and even though its been reported and closed for years. I get that its her job but after this I think Ive decided I'm not ready for this journey.

Ive been told that this journey is one for those who are strong, courageous and more and after today Iv realized. I do want this all and the happiness that will come after the process is over. But I do not want to do this journey anymore.

The pure thought of social services being involved in my life as an adult is enough to make me sick. I do not want the phone calls. I remember the pain that came too soon after reporting the abuse the first time and I don't want more pain than I already have.

I'm sick of this part of my life, and self soothing, crying, being depressed.

I was so stupid to dig this up after all these years. Who does that?

I think for a few I'm going to take a step back from counseling for a few. From all of this I have a few weeks to decided if I want to continue in this journey and right now it might be hasty but I don't want to.

I'm not ready and this process sucks more than words can say.

On top of the fact who was I kidding thinking I could take all of this as well as the upcoming anniversarys all at once. The class starts Jan 7th and one month later is all of Ethans anniversarys and then Corbins 1st Birthday and my nephews second.

I'm not loving, liking, wanting to sit in pain alone for weeks on end let alone a day all because of a simple call like the one I got today... maybe this means I'm not ready. I sure dont feel ready.

Ok so I know what some will say, and your right he has won for now hopefully sooner or later I will win this battle but for now he has won. So be it I don't care

Things to think about

Well I havent written much in awhile but after todays emotional session I have such a headache so I figure lets ponder the question asked today.

So we talked about that inital gut feeling I get like the creepy drunk neighbor in my house awhile back ago. And how because I felt it was more just me being irrational I ingored it. But when it comes to the direct safety of my kids I jump instantly.

So its the first steps of that gut feeling I need to pay more attention to.

But now comes the how. How do I know its not me being over sensitive, I dont want to be a crazy, overboard person. Who jumps at everything. Because a lot of things make me feel creepy and if I took all of them serious from the beginning Id be locked up.

I feel like a horrible mom when I hear that by ingoring that gut feeling that night it was their safety as well. Well I get it and now understand it but I feel like I failed my kids yet again.

How do you take every little uneasy feeling so serious. I know that gut feeling means something but it could also mean Im just being a little paranoid.

On to another thing the blame issue. We chatted a bit more about that today and once again I was told it wasnt my fault. And was asked why I think people say that to me. Well to be perfectly honest I think people say it for several reasons. 1. To end the conversation its not a comfortable one 2. To make me feel better 3. Because they arent sure what to say, who wants to say "yes you were wrong and should have done it differently"

I just don't think people want to make you feel worse really. But when she asked if she has ever lied to me about anything. Of course I have to say no, Rae never has but that doesnt mean that its easy to believe that Im not to blame at all and that in reality I couldnt of changed the outcome a lot sooner than I did in this situation.

I guess when I look at my kids I always hope if something happens to them they will be able to come to me and tell me instead of fear me. I didnt fear my mom I was ten but I didnt tell her because I was scared. I want my kids to always be able to come to me if they are scared no matter what.

I knew what he was doing was wrong. It felt wrong, I felt horrible and dirty, it was a secret when I knew it shouldnt have been one.