Having a voice

During my session we talked about what it would mean and how it would feel to have a voice.

Mainly to my mom....I'm absolutely terrified of speaking up I have never really been able to unless its been a bad fight. I'm afraid that she will hurt me more emotionally than anything.

I just don't want to feel like crap or second guess myself in an argument. She is never wrong, and will argue over the stupidest crap even if she is wrong. Even if its a conversation over a law she will say she is right.

I don't want to deal with more emotional pain than I already have to. It doesn't make sense to fight with her when I know I will lose. I have lost for 28 years.

I'm already dealing with issues of not feeling loved and to fight about my deepest feelings I'm sure would push her away more than she already is.

I'm tired of not being cared for by anyone around me. And if I speak up then I will risk her walking away completely.

I just want more than anything for her to hug me, to tell me she cares, that she is sorry.

What is wrong with me? Why is it that my husband, my family no one can do that for me. I do love myself I believe I am worth loving.

Yet she had grankids that she is not afraid to love, hold and tell them how much she cares about them. Why not me?

I'm proud of the person I have become. I think I'm worth it. I just want to be shown that I'm worth it, that people love me.

I feel like I have this big marking on me that shows the world that I shouldn't be loved or cared for I don't know of a single person that is living a life like mine, so maybe it is me.

Everyone has someone else who will wrap their arms around them and say they care, I don't.


Standing up and having a voice will rid the slightest possibility of that happening.

I just I'm hanging on to the dream of someone loving me. They say no one will love you until you love yourself, and I do. I eat right, I'm working on the inside and out to make myself feel better and love myself. I don't love the way I look I hate it but I do love who I am on the inside and the heart I carry on my sleeve.


I try to treat other's the way I want to be treated. I'm just a very caring person overall. I strive to be a good person, give back in every way I can, to raise my boys to be honorable men and loving. I want to be proud of myself and I guess I'm still looking for acceptance from other's I want other people to be proud of me too. That I will agree is more than likley the little girl in me. But I do want other's to be proud they know me, have realtionships from me. Want to be around me because I am a good person.

I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. Because nothing good has really ever come of it, and more often than not I end up losing.

I think every child wants to be their parents pride and joy. Why can't I be my parent's both of them? My dad has been non-existant forever and has told me he was proud of me only to walk away. Its been over a year since I have talked to my dad.