Bear with my anger

Tonight Iv been blogging like crazy its like a freaking title wave pulling me under. But as soon as I stop something else comes up.

After my last journal that I wrote not on here, I started thinking maybe there is something wrong with me. And I mean it so don't laugh.

But my dad left when I was 2 and never fought a single day in his life for me, I was adopted at the age of 2-3 I believe and my stepfather whom is the only man I call dad died when I was 5, I was molested at the age of 10, my mother repeatedly abused me throughout childhood, I was told at 16 she wished she had an abortion with me, at 16 I found my dad and he promised me the moon and stars and then abandoned me again, at the age of 20 I got married and he cheated on me, at 26 I lost my third child not even counting the previous and subsequent miscarriages, and my husband and I or maybe more I am fighting for my marriage.

I don't think I have ever truly been loved by a single person. I have been a target of pain, hurt and torture for my whole life.

What the hell is wrong with me, why is it that I have this scarlet letter on my forehead? What did I do to deserve this life.

I don't trust anyone I'm scared to, sure they say they care about me and more, but past has proven that in the end it will all crash down on me.

I cant tell anyone how much I just want to be loved and I mean really loved, not out of pity, or obligation but just love me for me and what I have to offer. Am I really that unloveable? What did I do to deserve this life sentense? How do I accept that this is the life I was chosen for and accept it and move in successfully?

I think prior I was able to be successful with it all but maybe not as healthly as it could/should have been. But I was able to survive. So I guess Im back to plan A which is the life I have previously led. It cant be all that bad.

When am I going to tell that so called little girl inside me to shut up already. More than anything I just wish I had someone who wanted to just sit and hold me while I drown in my sorrow or cry with me. In 28 years Iv never got that so why dont I just let it go? Why is that need so flipping strong? I can't say never I have had someone special sit right in front of me and shed a few tears.

I'm sick of having to contain everything alone

I have decided as of now Im done with this journey, its too rocky, too unstable and to do it alone is not what I want/need. I have a few people I can chat with online about this whole thing with, but having someone to sit and talk face to face with when I really need it isnt possible right now. I dont have a soul I can trust and this is not an easy journey to travel alone.

It's not fair to my counselor or I to be stopping and starting this process all the time, nor do I want something that should be easy to take a lifetime becauase of stopping and starting again. In time I will be ready or at least I imagine or maybe I will decide I am ok with the way my life is.

I feel like a burden to my counselor and like I have to watch out all the time and make sure I do everything right. It's not her fault its mine and its the way I function. But Im always afraid of asking for too much or feeling competely horrible because I'm not getting enough. Again not her fault its the lack of people I can trust in my life. I'm tired of feeling like such an inconvience to everyone around me.

I have managed to do a lot alone before but I think leaving this whole thing alone as I had been doing prior was much less intense and a heck of a lot easier than this process is now.