Things to think about

Well I havent written much in awhile but after todays emotional session I have such a headache so I figure lets ponder the question asked today.

So we talked about that inital gut feeling I get like the creepy drunk neighbor in my house awhile back ago. And how because I felt it was more just me being irrational I ingored it. But when it comes to the direct safety of my kids I jump instantly.

So its the first steps of that gut feeling I need to pay more attention to.

But now comes the how. How do I know its not me being over sensitive, I dont want to be a crazy, overboard person. Who jumps at everything. Because a lot of things make me feel creepy and if I took all of them serious from the beginning Id be locked up.

I feel like a horrible mom when I hear that by ingoring that gut feeling that night it was their safety as well. Well I get it and now understand it but I feel like I failed my kids yet again.

How do you take every little uneasy feeling so serious. I know that gut feeling means something but it could also mean Im just being a little paranoid.

On to another thing the blame issue. We chatted a bit more about that today and once again I was told it wasnt my fault. And was asked why I think people say that to me. Well to be perfectly honest I think people say it for several reasons. 1. To end the conversation its not a comfortable one 2. To make me feel better 3. Because they arent sure what to say, who wants to say "yes you were wrong and should have done it differently"

I just don't think people want to make you feel worse really. But when she asked if she has ever lied to me about anything. Of course I have to say no, Rae never has but that doesnt mean that its easy to believe that Im not to blame at all and that in reality I couldnt of changed the outcome a lot sooner than I did in this situation.

I guess when I look at my kids I always hope if something happens to them they will be able to come to me and tell me instead of fear me. I didnt fear my mom I was ten but I didnt tell her because I was scared. I want my kids to always be able to come to me if they are scared no matter what.

I knew what he was doing was wrong. It felt wrong, I felt horrible and dirty, it was a secret when I knew it shouldnt have been one.