Finally the release I needed

It seems so simple and easy, but at first completely overwhelming. I think today I was able to make a connection with it all.

When times get hard most people have someone they can turn to. Maybe a spouse, friend, just someone to vent to.

I have my counselor once a week for 50 minutes and that 50 minutes goes by so fast that I don't feel I get much done or I don't feel much weight lifted off my chest.

So my goal now is to continue this journey...its going to be very hard I know that in my heart, I know I can do it but I need to find a way that when times get overly tough like they did this week, that I have someone I can reach out to. Or if I don't have anyone that I can somehow get past the horrible feeling of asking for more time with my counselor. Its not something I want to happen often but I think realistically I need more than myself 6 days a week on rough weeks.

Sure it sucks that I have to pay for it when most people have that someone else they can sit face to face with and feel understood. But if that helps me get through this process without crossing boundaries, without becoming a complete disaster then I think its well worth it and I can succeed.

Today just sitting there and having Rae to chat with and someone to tell my inner most feelings to, was yes overwhelming and nerve wracking and I think I cried harder than ever in front of her. I felt like a complete idiot having such a break down in front of her, Ive never once in my life broke down to where someone else had to come over to me and comfort me.

But in the end I was able to say most of what I felt inside of me and feel ok about saying it. It was hard and I could feel the panic setting in talking so truthfully about my feelings of no one loving me, the abuse, my feelings with counseling etc.

Here are my goals for now...
* to be able to talk about the abuse with Rae all of it, before I start these classes in Jan. I can trust her and the process more with her than I can with complete strangers.

* Come up with my plan of action when things become not just hard, but more overwhelming like this week.
1.Journal
2.take a walk
3. go to the gym
4.listen to up beat music
5. allow myself to cry and be upset knowing its normal
6.listen to Rae's relaxation tape
7.read, take me time
8.call someone I can trust
9 if all else fails call for another appt


* Take one week at a time, not anymore than that. One week may be too much but the following may be do-able.

* Learn to respect that I am human and my emotions are ok and normal.

* Learn to trust my gut feeling with everything.

* Take more me time