I'm beyond sick and tired of dealing with this type of crap in life.
After talking to the RAAP counselor today and being told she is going to call social services because its her job to report the abuse even though she knows no details, and even though its been reported and closed for years. I get that its her job but after this I think Ive decided I'm not ready for this journey.
Ive been told that this journey is one for those who are strong, courageous and more and after today Iv realized. I do want this all and the happiness that will come after the process is over. But I do not want to do this journey anymore.
The pure thought of social services being involved in my life as an adult is enough to make me sick. I do not want the phone calls. I remember the pain that came too soon after reporting the abuse the first time and I don't want more pain than I already have.
I'm sick of this part of my life, and self soothing, crying, being depressed.
I was so stupid to dig this up after all these years. Who does that?
I think for a few I'm going to take a step back from counseling for a few. From all of this I have a few weeks to decided if I want to continue in this journey and right now it might be hasty but I don't want to.
I'm not ready and this process sucks more than words can say.
On top of the fact who was I kidding thinking I could take all of this as well as the upcoming anniversarys all at once. The class starts Jan 7th and one month later is all of Ethans anniversarys and then Corbins 1st Birthday and my nephews second.
I'm not loving, liking, wanting to sit in pain alone for weeks on end let alone a day all because of a simple call like the one I got today... maybe this means I'm not ready. I sure dont feel ready.
Ok so I know what some will say, and your right he has won for now hopefully sooner or later I will win this battle but for now he has won. So be it I don't care
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
My dear friend,
ReplyDeleteYou are not stupid....Someting inside of you gave you the courage to take that step forward to come to the healing process.
Just think, I know this is horrile reliving this pain but if you can save one young girl from living with your nightmare, would it not worth it?
You have so much on you.....losing your child is the worst pain anyone can feel.
My personal opinion, and it means nothing, but the holidays and missing Ethan is all that you have you in your heart, and so be all....Today you are not ready for this other battle. Maybe after the holidays but I know you can do it.
You have more going on in your young life that most people do in two lifetimes......Your life has been a very hard life. I am surprised that you have turned into the beautiful person you are because the average person would have taken all the bad experiences and lived a pity party with them.
You are strong. Don't ever doubt yourself. Today is just not the day to take that next step....maybe in a few weeks.
I am here always. I support you in whatever decision you make. I want you to do what your heart says to do......Only you can tell me what your heart wants done.....I will always walk beside of you :)
I love you like you are my own blood...I would walk thru fire to help you....don't ever forget that!!
T