This Journey

This journey is one of pain, tears, overwhelming sadness and fear.

Its a journey most would walk away from.

But how do you walk away when regardless of dealing with it head on, its there regardless?

Most days in my pain of losing my son I am able to put on my hiking boots and trample over the forbidden terrain, rocky and unstable ground but this journey I need a dam bulldozer for all of this.

That would be nice to just make it all disappear with a simple easy cleaning. As if the whole events in my life weren't enough they have left me incapacitated at times.

This journey is not one in 18 years that Ive been able to overcome alone. Yet here I stand alone once again but this time in my life so much of this journey has been dug up when prior it was buried deep below.

So walking away just isn't as simple as I wish it could be. Its there in my every thought, the every hiccup of my life.

Its not simple, its not fair I'm alone. The only person who I have whom I should be able to trust is my husband but I don't even have that. Because he doesn't get it and to him dealing with this all makes me psychotic.

Which really maybe I am. One moment I'm fine and something as simple as someone else digging up the details of my past makes me wanna die. So psychotic I am.

Knowing I'm walking away from all of this knowing in my heart I want nothing more than to be healed is making me feel like such a failure, like I'm an inconvenience to the rest of the world and like I'm letting everyone including myself down. I just cannot do this without someone whom I can trust.

I just want for once in my life for someone to love me and for someone to be genuine with me. No lies don't tell me you care when you don't. Why am I so unlovable? Why does no one want to really care about me? Its like almost everyone Ive known my whole life tells me they care and then just walk away.

I feel like if I was to be killed, die in a wreck or even kill myself no one would care. My kids are all I have, that's a lot don't get me wrong. But they love me and all the things kids do because I'm their mom, its what kids do. Again an obligation for now. Now when they are older and feel they have a choice to love or hate me it will be different. Other than my kids no one needs me, wants me, desires me.

I honestly feel I have nothing to offer anyone, and I try as hard as I can to be the friend, mate etc that I want in others. I'm honest, hardworking, loving. But I don't get it back.

Its a pity party and I know that but I just want to be noticed in a good way, not in a crazy way like most see me. The girl with problems who lost her son and cries a lot, the girl who's dad molested her, see beyond the fat girl that no one loves and cares about.