Another step forward

Whew what a week it has been. Actually not even a week just since Thursday.

I decided today I wanted my court records it was so long ago, I wanted them all in front of me and I wanted to be able to see for myself in writing what this creep had done.

I am not sure why I knew it in my heart already but time dissolves the vivid memories.

So I drove to the court house and well it was the wrong one, so I went to the right one. As soon as I saw it from a distance my heart sunk.

It all came back to me all those pent up feelings from court day came back.

But I decided this time I would walk in head held high. So I did, I went to the records desk and asked if I could pull a file from an old case.

Of course it wasn't cut and dry, why, who, who was I? All that fun stuff.

She leaves and grabs my file and it was pretty thick too. And then when I ask how I get copies she replies with... "You can go there and make copies for .25 a page"

I wanted to scream it was huge so 30.00 later I had all I needed. I read some of it while there but had to quit I couldn't read much.

I got home and started reading all the paper work, I felt extreme anger come over me.

Why and how can he just get away with this crap? One of the papers was a testimony from him, and the events he recalled were totally absurd.

He wrote a letter to the courts three months into his 6 month sentence asking for a dismissal of his case for good time and work. Of course he got it.

I was just enraged that he gets to live his life while I get to repair mine and the damage he has done.

That I have to pay out of pocket for therapy and this incest survivors group. That I have to re-learn what a normal relationship looks like.

He did this not me.

Then I have the family drama about all of this. Why am I doing this now? Shouldn't I be better? I shouldn't need this? It doesn't make sense. Am I just looking for money?

Of course the hell I'm not looking for money there is no value I could even put on what he has taken from me.

Not only did he torture my life for for flipping years. But he took so much more from me. Healthy relationships, the inner child is pretty screwed up. My family dynamic is so messed up.

Never today did I get are you ok? How did it feel to read that? Instead I got all of the above crap and then it became about everyone else.