Group #4

Why does it go this way, why can't this be the easy part? I was in a good mood and happy to be there that is until the movie started.

I thought well I watched Precious and I could handle that, so this movie should be cake right?

Well very much not the case. From minutes into the movie I closed down I just couldn't do this, but I didn't want to be the odd one who left the room.

So I stayed and really it made it much worse. Hearing people talk about their actual events the bathtub, the guy who talked about his neighbor and then the girl who talked about her dad waiting down the hall for her.

These are all events I went through so the flash back started and I became rather overwhelmed. The court papers statements popped up in my head. So I stayed until I could feel my body get extremely tense, till I felt physically ill.

I walked out and then I felt like a failure, how is it that I can't even do something that seems like it should be so simple in comparison to the actual events?

Once I walked out I just couldn't go back in and in fact I wanted to just leave because I could feel the breakdown I was going through.

Then I did go back in once I heard the movie stop, only to walk back out again. Once I returned I couldn't even talk and I feel bad but I couldn't do it.

I'm upset that this is my life, that I have to go through this to get in some sense over it. I'm frustrated with myself that I walked out, I know I shouldn't but I feel like a failure.

I hate that since losing my son I have become this emotional person, I especially dislike crying yet I can't seem to go through this process or talking about Ethan without crying.

I tried making a few phone calls on the way home but of course there was no one to talk to. I should be used to it, but somewhere inside it makes me feel even worse that the words you are alone are echoed.

I should be used to being alone, but it bothers me. I have been very much alone my entire life and for once I don't want to be alone.

So I just came home and went to journal but decided not to so I crawled into bed and fell asleep.

This process is very debilitating.