Confessions from a childhood incest survior

"Reproach itself has broken my heart, and the wound is incurable. And I kept hoping for someone to show sympathy, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none." Psalms 69:20

This scripture is exactley how I feel.

I could not sleep last night. Not at all, every time I closed my eyes the tears would fall. I could feel my eyes getting hot.

I would hear her ask me if I knew how much she cared, I could picture today going to raap and just standing at the door.

I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I thought I could/would be a better person for changing me. But I am beginning to think it was a very stupid decision. This process is much more than I imagined.

I remember Tuesday her saying something about this being my life, and how its all I think about. I said it's not. And really it is not all I think about. But yes when the rest of the house has gone to bed, I think about it sometimes. It's no different than Ethan's loss. This is part of who I am.

I work and I'm good at my work but when work is done yes this is me. I don't have that husband to turn to. And unless I reach out to someone I am my own container. The lid has been sealed tight for so long, and I thought ok someone is here now to listen and will protect me, and the freaking lid exploded.

I was incredibly stupid for letting that happen.

Angela
weak yet appear to be strong on the outside, emotional, protective, hurt, angry, sad, vulnerable, reaching out, mother of an angel, daughter of disaster, needy friend, wife of obligation, mom of four incredible boys, disappointed, wears her heart on her sleeve, would give anything to help another person, trying to make a difference, trying to find her place in this world, accomplished yet totally lost, afraid of being hurt more, victim of childhood incest, and maybe at fault, insecure, hard on herself, wanting to be accepted and loved, fights daily with herself, heartbroken, photographer by design, childcare provider through love, volunteer by nature, needy.
Donaldson

I am just not sure I fit into this world and sometimes I wonder why this life is mine? I would love to just escape it for a few days. I'm not sure what I did to deserve to deal with this life and alone more than anything. If I had someone to really care it might be different. But I don't. I'm my own cheerleader and coach and most of the time, I can't be that and me at the same time.

Maybe other people can. I know other's have it a lot worse off than myself. But this is too much for me to handle alone. I did a much better job of just keeping it inside. It didn't hurt this much at all.

On Tuesday afternoon Janie my Jehovah's witness friend came by and all I could tell her was today is not a good day. She gave me a hug and asked why. Of course the tears started, I told her I had a counseling appt this morning and she asked if it was for Ethan. I told her no it was for the abuse, she knows a little about it, no details though.

She said well let me read you a few bible scriptures and I just started crying, and thinking, "hell I don't even think that man loves me either. I talk till I am blue in the face in prayer to him and I don't feel as close anymore. Maybe I'm praying wrong, or maybe I'm just a wasted energy I don't know but I just cant do it anymore."

I have friends but most have distanced themselves from me, won't respond to emails, calls and are just plain busy in their lives. It's unfair to keep reaching out and being a pain to them and yet I feel worse when I do and no response is given.

I do what I can to help other's because it feels right. But I think more than that its because then and only then am I needed, wanted and cared about. I feel as if I finally have a place and matter. In everyday life I don't matter. To the people I am helping I appear strong when inside I'm crumbling.

I guess we will see what happens today. I may or may not go, or I may get there and leave I don't know I do know that the simple fact I cannot even look at someone without tears falling is something in its self.