A letter to mom

Dear mom,
So I am suppose to sit and I guess let my anger fester inside and put it here. All the reasons I am upset with you but never was given the voice to say.
I never thought I was mad at you for the incest. Then as I got to thinking about it, no I am not mad at you he did it, but I am upset that you didn’t protect me. That the family relationship was so warped I couldn’t tell you what was going on.
I am very upset that never once did you put your arms around me and tell me you were sorry this happened. You never took any accountability for any of it, I begged you on New Year’s Eve not to leave me. Sure I didn’t come out and tell you why but I had never begged you to not go to work before.
I am angry that after writing this I realize that the incest had to have been going on prior to new years eve because I remember being so upset you didn’t listen to me and even after crying and begging you, you still went to work. You didn’t try to get me to explain why I didn’t want you to go to work. You just left me there with him.
I always had to be an adult from very early on. You married that drunken bastard and yet I had to be the one while you were gone to clean up his vomit messes, blood on the floor from his drunken episodes. We were woken up multiple times late into the night because he got into a car accident and had been driving drunk. I remember wishing he would have just been killed himself. He couldn’t have hurt me anymore and I wouldn’t have to watch him physically abuse you.
That never growing up did you wrap your arms around me and tell me you loved me. I get that because of your past you were unable to provide me with that nurturance that a child needs. But it does not make it any less painful that I needed you and you weren’t there for me.
I am upset that I was repeatly abused by you. Head smashed into a glass hamster cage, and more so in front of my only childhood friend. I guess now I am glad she was there to witness it because I know I have that validation that it happened.
Being smacked across the face, hair brushes smacked against my head, being called a slut, a trouble maker, a bitch more names that I can recall.
That when I tried to reach out for acceptance and support from other’s you said I was looking for attention and I was this horrible kid. Sure I was looking for attention, but from you. And never in a bad way.
Sometimes I look at Kandra, Wayne, Joey and Pat and wonder how on earth they ended up the way they did. And then I realize that a huge part of it was a lack in appropriate parenting.
All those times you told me you hated me, wished you had an abortion with me and just flat out screamed and yelled at me for your life. A big part of me died. I always wondered growing up what I did to make you so mad at me. I mean as an adult I know the worst thing I ever did was ditch classes in high school.
Yet somehow I was always the bad kid, and you hated me so much. I made your life hell when I didn’t even ask to be put on this earth.
When you told me you wished you had an abortion with me, I think at that very moment I wanted to just die and be gone so I could rid the pain from your life. I never did anything to make you proud or happy.
The time you told me you didn’t believe the abuse happened because you never saw it.
The fact that you always protected your boyfriends or husbands before us.

We were never first in your life in fact we came in last if at all.
I raised myself two jobs at 14 just so I could have nice clothes, food and the things a normal kid needs. A hefty car payment at 17 just so I could get to and from work. I didn’t get to be anywhere near normal, when next to having two parents or even one to love me that’s all I needed.
I was the only person in the entire family to graduate from high school. I tried and I wanted nothing more than a mom to hold me and tell me she loved me. I never got that.
I remember being grounded countless times because I wanted to go to church, the time Jennifer and I got screamed and yelled at because we decorated the house for your birthday and used tape to put the streamers on the wall, screamed at because we ate a snack out of the house without asking, screamed at for reporting the physical abuse that took place and then called a liar and you told the police I caused the bruises myself just to get back at you because I was mad you got remarried, I remember you throwing away my bible because religion was a cult. When really God was the only thing I had.
You had me so mad at God; I felt every word you said about him was true. You were right he didn’t protect me either and must not have loved me.
I looked for love from everyone else because I couldn’t get it from you but I have only been let down. I always thought if my own mom couldn’t love me then it would be impossible for anyone else to.
I always dreamed of finding someone who would just love me for me and actually want me. I wanted nothing more than a mom and a dad to call my own. They never came through.
I thought about all the times I just sat in my room crying till 2-3 in the morning because you hated me so much, and I caused so much pain in your life by just simply existing if that’s what you even call it.
Now I sit as an adult and wonder if it is true that if you didn’t want me why would anyone else. Not only did my dad walk out of my life so did you. Sure your body was around but you were not.
You didn’t attend school events, competitions, heck you never even attended my school conferences my winter guard instructor did because I was failing classes and someone needed to be there.
I never really made you proud to say “that’s my daughter”.
I am hurt that I could never do right in your eyes when all I ever wanted was to make you proud. I’m pissed you didn’t protect me from him and you let men in and out of your life not just hurting you. It wasn’t always about you what about me? They abused me physically, mentally and sexually. Not just one of them almost every single one of them. The only person I can say that I am not sure if he hurt me was Ken.

I am mad that you never have really just loved me, that you always make excuses for everything and will defend everything tooth and nail if you believe it’s right but you never defended me. You were always looking for ways to make yourself feel better. Defend the horrible parenting choices you made. Everything from the reasons why my sexual abuse wasn’t your fault to the reasons why it was acceptable you didn’t turn in the people who hurt us.

I know that a lot of my critical self comes from you and the beliefs about me that you have installed in me; I want to just be free of every possible assumption, belief given from you. But it isn’t that easy. Sometimes I wish you would have just given me away when I was born or had an abortion because I feel very robbed of a semi normal childhood and even adulthood.
Somehow I have to fix this mess so I don’t screw up the most important little people in my life. I don’t want them to hate me that way I hate you.