I feel defeated

I had a very defeating session today and I must say I'm in a bad place. It took me a good 10 minutes sitting afterwards to get the nerve to get into my car. I just sat there bawling and wanting to just escape my life, and I still want that. Sitting on top of the parking garage I wondered how on earth I keep fucking things up. For a split second I found myself in that bad spot of wanting to escape life, it has to be much easier than dealing with all this.

I am Wondering why I am still here why didn't he take me instead of Ethan?

It never fails I suck at this thing called life.

I keep reaching out but too much and at all the wrong times. I'm not sure where to go at this point a huge part of me just want to say screw this I've had enough.

When she sat and asked me if I knew how much she cared about me, I was literally screaming inside "please don't say that, you care because I'm a client. Why are you telling me this?" I just shook my head yes instead, when really I wish I could have just screamed all that I was feeling inside. I didn't even look at her how could I?

I felt like a complete fool. No one really cares about me they all say they do and sooner or later they all leave. I am around for people to use me as their punching bag at least that's how I feel.

I try and sometimes I try too much and I hurt other's in the process. Way to go inner child, or maybe desperate disgusting person.

I've never once since I've been in counseling walked away for a break from counseling and today I needed to. I sat in the bathroom stall like a complete fool just breaking down. That is until someone else came in.

I didn't even want to go back into the session but all my stuff was in there. I put it there for a reason because I knew once I walked out that door it would be easy to just leave and not come back.

I don't know why after 28 years this intense need is here for me to find compassion, strength, love and acceptance from other people. For 28 years I have been able to do it by myself and my container was me. Well I have messed my container up and started relying on other's but in the end it has affected other's and I'm hurting myself more in the process.

Dammit already I have been trying so hard to have a closer relationship with God, with myself and reach out to other people. Yet I am hurting other people something I have never done.

I now I need to just make my container myself again and if I go back to counseling then I can vent whatever I feel I need to then and just deal the rest of the time.

I don't know why having no one bothers me all of a sudden but its time to suck it up and plug on through this shit or quit those are my choices.

Maybe my 50 minutes once a week isn't meeting my needs I am not sure what it is, I guess I just didn't see a problem but now I feel horrible that I have affected someone else.

I hate that I sit across the room and know that later opinions are being written down about me. I don't know what's being said.

I have until Monday to decided what I am going to do, and a huge part of me is thinking maybe its time to take this journey alone, do what I need to do and let go of the need to have someone.

I can always see how I feel doing it and go from there.

I listened to this song on the way home and it makes the feelings I'm holding inside even more real.

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away


I wonder if that's what I need to do is take a risk and break away from counseling, sooner rather than later I will have to give it up and say goodbye and be really alone. Then I can't hurt other people myself included. This is torture on myself and I need to just accept this is my life. This is the life intended for me and what my life will be.

Here I was wearing Terri's shirt that says "I'm worth it", I just wanted to rip it off. I am trying to make myself believe it but what for? I walked into the bank after counseling looking like hell and I covered up that part of the shirt I couldn't stand someone else reading it.