Group session#3

Well that one is over with, but I think it was the worst one yet.

Actually I don't think I belong there.

I was caught off guard tonight when we were asked to answer these three questions
1)How old were we when it happened?
2)Who was the offender?
3)Who did we tell?

Not that saying it was horrible, but it was the first time I think I have ever said it out loud in front of a group of people let alone strangers.

But sitting there listening to all the stories I could just feel myself melt away. All I could think of was that these poor women most of them were much younger than I was, had multiple abusers, and I being older should have known better and done something about it.

After that was all said and done, we were asked how we felt about telling.

I sat for a few and then said that it was hard, but hearing all the stories was much harder I felt sick to my stomach and in complete disgust. And I also didn't feel I belonged there.

I was much older and my abuse wasn't as bad as what I was hearing.

I sat there the rest of the night, just ready to burst in tears I knew if someone talked to me or if I talked I would cry.

I stayed as present as possible but I know that people knew something was up I was asked twice by the counselors to check in.

Then we had to go over things/objects we had that helped us through. The only physical thing I had was Rae's encouragement letter. At the very end they asked me to read it.

I wasn't sure at first if I should it was personal, but I knew it did mean a lot to me so I went for it. Of course the tears came.

As far as other coping mechanisms I used to make it so I could get where I am today were...
Being a perfectionist- this served as a mask, it gave no outside proof of the pain I felt inside. It was a way to find acceptance from other people.

Wishing I had another family and dreaming about having another family growing up.

Cutting- provided a relief of pain

Journaling- somewhere to put my feelings since I had no one to listen.

Isolation- Kept away the possibility of pain from other people.

Last night I came home and just crawled into bed, I couldn't talk about it, I just wanted to melt into the bed and fall asleep I was so drained.

I tried to sleep but it was almost impossible I had horrible dreams all night, and I just don't feel I belong there so I'm not so sure what to do.