This process is much like a roller coaster one minute up and then next a major downward spiral. In the meantime its like we are sitting bracing for the worst.
That has been my week. Today I am feeling pretty good, well I have been since last friday. My oldest baby turned 7 and sitting and reflecting on where my life has taken me was pretty amazing.
There has been more downs then up's in my life for sure, and some days I feel like my head is being held under water. But then like today it's like finally someone showed me they cared, and sometimes a simple hug, I care about you...is all its takes to lift that burden.
But on day's like today I have this feeling of being loved which is great. That feeling is pretty far in between. But I'm pretty lucky to know some of the people I do.
And I had not been through one of the worst things ever by losing my son I would have never met one of those people.
This is a crazy journey and I have a lot to learn and a lot about myself as well. I think that's the hardest part so far. Is learning all the weird quirks and crap that make me well me. But not the me I want to be.
The hardest part is just really hearing what someone is telling you. Sure I know she cared about me, but would she really tell me otherwise. Having that re-enforced today was pretty powerful. At first I was sitting telling myself of course she will tell you all that, but sooner or later you will learn otherwise. And I may not be the best judge of character but just a quick glance into her eyes told me she wasn't lying.
But really soaking it in was hard, letting go of all inhibitions, the little girl inside me saying not to trust her, all those old ways of not letting in the love... yup that was very hard.
I want to be able to....
*connect with that inner child
*have more fruitful relationships
*not need that inner child's need's so much
*learn to accept I didn't cause the abuse
*learn to accept that I deserve to be loved and cared for
*Learn to love my boys as much as I can
*Learn to love me for me
*have a support system
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