First RAAP group

All the way there I felt sick to my stomach, I turned up the volume on my radio and popped in a cd...in mear hopes that it would blanket the feelings and anxiety.

It didn't work needless to say, but I got there and sat in my car for a few minutes wanting to turn around. But I got out of the car and headed to the door, rang the doorbell and sat for a few minutes.

She opened the door and we walked up to the room where group would take place. We all sat there and well just sat. I scanned the room looked at the pictures on the wall. I must say some of the pictures are pretty bland lol. I would love to give them other ones to put up maybe someday.

And we just sat there all three of us, then one by one a few more joined and we just sat there. No one looking at anyone really, just sitting.

The silence was horrible for me, I wasn't near as comfortable as I am with my counselor. The room wasn't near as inviting.

Then group started I did pretty good, that is until they asked what it was that made us decided to take this on, what our fears and hopes were?

Everyone just sat there in silence again I think I was the third person that spoke up. And I of course started crying, then I cried when I said what I hoped to get out of it was "to take my life back", "to learn to be more affectionate with my boys, to learn I am not him", "to gain a support system".

Well having the other girls there as a support out of group is highly discouraged. So I do have that once a week, but not outside support. I am kinda bummed but I guess I understand it.

I was a mess though, the only person crying. I told them I was sorry it has just been a really bad week.

I'm excited, nervous, and hope to god I sleep tonight.

I also chatted with someone today and told them why I have been having such a hard time. She said to email my counselor and ask for more time next week. I explained that there is no way that is happening. I do see what she was saying and she is right I do need that. But as usual I'm stuck in this crazy state. I can't ask.

I have an old high school counselor who I can make an appt with when I need to, so that idea has popped up. Maybe on those weeks that I need a little more I can just go there. That way I don't step on toes and become overwhelming, but is that right? maybe its wrong. Grrrrr I just don't know. Sometimes things that feel right have been wrong, and of course I'm well known for feeling wrong to be told its ok. So I guess I just sit here I don't know.