It's been a long time since I have written and a lot has changed and happened since. I still attend the adult incest survivors group. Some days I like it and other I hate it. I still do individual counseling with the greatest counselor out there.
And well sadly I have found myself with being ok saying goodbye to my counselor but when i say that out loud I get a little sad. I am not sad that matter of fact I have grown now and I know I will be ok with out her. Granted I don't want to not see her every week or never sit and have a heart to heart again. But I guess this is where I will probably have to learn to grow the most and say goodbye and accept this loss in my life.
Now this isn't happening until the end of the group but that is not all that far away. And now I enter a whole new journey alone again. The fear, frustration, anxiety, bliss and joy of another pregnancy. I want to be able to share that with her. But sooner or later goodbye will have to come. Granted it makes me very sad and tearful.
As far as group goes well...that's a love hate relationship if I have ever experienced one. I like going most every week and sometimes I actually look forward to making more progress and seeing more clearly. Other's I am angry that this all happened and that I have to go because I hate group.
I hate that I am one of the most emotional freaking people that ever walked this planet. I am the only person who cries while I am there. There has been twice that someone else has cried. But one of the girls explained her tears were pure anger and it was an unexpected thing and she does not cry, the other time was someone else and yes her tears were pure sorrow. I could tell just looking at her and listening to the pain in her voice.
I hate that I just don't feel like I belong there I feel like the odd man out and I cant say I understand really why I feel that way. But I do. I feel like I do a pretty darn good job as far as really being there during group and talking and opening up, even though once I was told that my fast speech was that i didn't want to sit with the pain.
Yeah that kinda pissed me off I almost didn't return to group because if I am 100% honest with myself it had nothing at all to do with that. And I did try to explain that to the facilitators. But I guess they either one didn't believe me or two just really didn't understand.
I still have a lot of growing and learning to do about everything including myself. I am right on the edge of accepting that I am not to blame and letting go out that guilt and shame. But its like I teeter on the edge of it, I'm scared to fully take the jump and I am not sure why other than maybe its such a long instilled belief that it will just take time to accept a new way of thinking.
But I know that he should carry the responsibility but I also fight with the fact maybe if I would have told someone then I could have stopped it. And of course all those reasons we came up with in group for me being at fault....
I never cried or screamed
I didn't tell anyone
I got into his bed
I allowed it to happen and quit fighting
I continued to go to his house after my parents divorced
It felt wrong and shameful but I still allowed it
But on the other hand the reasons I am not at fault
He was the adult
I did what I was told
I trusted him to protect me
He told me if I said anything no one would believe me
The list fails in comparison of course I can come up with a million reasons why I am to blame and only a few for him. I guess I really need to allow him to take the blame.
I am getting to the point I am not really shameful it happened. In fact that doesn't bother me anymore if someone found out my old secret. Because for a matter of fact he was to blame I was a child and hopefully child incest will stop someday. Doubtful but hopeful.
I know when I hear things on the news lately about catholic ministers/priests molesting children, I am just so sickened. I do not for one second understand childhood incest but for someone who is preaching God's word and holds others to such a high moral standard to go and do something so un-godly I just do not get it. What on earth has our society come to that our churches are breeding child molesters.
The one place we should feel safe with our children is quite opposite.
Anyways I am off that tangent. But life is good right now hard sometimes and a little foggy others but overall I am blessed.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Can't shake this feeling
Ok in group last week we chatted about how being a survivor of childhood incest has effected our lives.
I just sat for a few and listened mainly because somewhere along the weeks prior I forgot that we had that as homework but it was hard to tune them all out and do it when I wanted to listen as well.
So I agreed with most of what was being said. I think for me the biggest life changing things are mostly internal for me.
Sure I hate sex don't see anything amazing or beautiful about it. Other than having children.
But for me I took my abuse and internalized 99% of it. So I am paying for it twice over.
I hate myself
I feel like I am to blame
I question every possible gut feeling I get, because maybe it's just me overreacting.
I tend to shy away from everyone.
I don't feel I will ever be good enough for anyone.
Self blame for everything possible thing in my life is huge.
We chatted a little about that and one of the counselors said that what she does is asks us assign a percentage of blame to ourselves and then we will sit and say well why is 80% your fault and not 79% and I guess work it that way.
Then she said to go home and find a picture of yourself at the age the abuse was taking place and to look at that picture and tell that little girl she is to blame.
Okay no big deal at all, I can do that and so today I pulled out a picture and does it hurt to say that she is wrong? No not all at because I am still her she is still me. And yes we should/could of stopped it, but we didn't.
Another thing she said to do was to go to a park and look at kids the age we were and that if something like that had happened to them would we be able to tell them the abuse is their fault. Well of course I couldn't and no I couldn't sit and tell my child if something like that had happened to them that it was their fault either.
So why is it so hard to accept that maybe just maybe it wasn't my fault?
I'm not really sure but letting go of the blame is very hard and if I am not to blame then who is?
Just looking at the pictures I pulled out I feel so much hate and anger though. I look at my life in pictures and I feel so much hate and anger.
How could someone/anyone get anything sexual out of looking at a 9/10 year old girl. It sickens me.
I look at those pictures and see the pain in my eyes back then, I was rarely smiling in any of the pictures I found, especially the ones with me in them.
I just sat for a few and listened mainly because somewhere along the weeks prior I forgot that we had that as homework but it was hard to tune them all out and do it when I wanted to listen as well.
So I agreed with most of what was being said. I think for me the biggest life changing things are mostly internal for me.
Sure I hate sex don't see anything amazing or beautiful about it. Other than having children.
But for me I took my abuse and internalized 99% of it. So I am paying for it twice over.
I hate myself
I feel like I am to blame
I question every possible gut feeling I get, because maybe it's just me overreacting.
I tend to shy away from everyone.
I don't feel I will ever be good enough for anyone.
Self blame for everything possible thing in my life is huge.
We chatted a little about that and one of the counselors said that what she does is asks us assign a percentage of blame to ourselves and then we will sit and say well why is 80% your fault and not 79% and I guess work it that way.
Then she said to go home and find a picture of yourself at the age the abuse was taking place and to look at that picture and tell that little girl she is to blame.
Okay no big deal at all, I can do that and so today I pulled out a picture and does it hurt to say that she is wrong? No not all at because I am still her she is still me. And yes we should/could of stopped it, but we didn't.
Another thing she said to do was to go to a park and look at kids the age we were and that if something like that had happened to them would we be able to tell them the abuse is their fault. Well of course I couldn't and no I couldn't sit and tell my child if something like that had happened to them that it was their fault either.
So why is it so hard to accept that maybe just maybe it wasn't my fault?
I'm not really sure but letting go of the blame is very hard and if I am not to blame then who is?
Just looking at the pictures I pulled out I feel so much hate and anger though. I look at my life in pictures and I feel so much hate and anger.
How could someone/anyone get anything sexual out of looking at a 9/10 year old girl. It sickens me.
I look at those pictures and see the pain in my eyes back then, I was rarely smiling in any of the pictures I found, especially the ones with me in them.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A quote
I came across this application on facebook today and it gives you little things God wants you to know. So here was mine for today
On this day of your life, Angela, we believe God wants you to know ... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance
So with that said I really just sat and thought about it....And it may not be what God is truly saying but it really spoke to me, and it's more importantly right.
I don't need to seek for love I need to let the walls I have spent so long building up crumble. But if I do then I am vulnerable, and that is one scary thing.
Time and time again it has been proven and still to this day I will be hurt. But I guess that's where I learn to just let those who love me really love me and those who want to hurt me to just to let them go.
I need to learn to validate that I am worth it, that I matter and more importantly that I deserve it.
On this day of your life, Angela, we believe God wants you to know ... that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance
So with that said I really just sat and thought about it....And it may not be what God is truly saying but it really spoke to me, and it's more importantly right.
I don't need to seek for love I need to let the walls I have spent so long building up crumble. But if I do then I am vulnerable, and that is one scary thing.
Time and time again it has been proven and still to this day I will be hurt. But I guess that's where I learn to just let those who love me really love me and those who want to hurt me to just to let them go.
I need to learn to validate that I am worth it, that I matter and more importantly that I deserve it.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Group #4
Why does it go this way, why can't this be the easy part? I was in a good mood and happy to be there that is until the movie started.
I thought well I watched Precious and I could handle that, so this movie should be cake right?
Well very much not the case. From minutes into the movie I closed down I just couldn't do this, but I didn't want to be the odd one who left the room.
So I stayed and really it made it much worse. Hearing people talk about their actual events the bathtub, the guy who talked about his neighbor and then the girl who talked about her dad waiting down the hall for her.
These are all events I went through so the flash back started and I became rather overwhelmed. The court papers statements popped up in my head. So I stayed until I could feel my body get extremely tense, till I felt physically ill.
I walked out and then I felt like a failure, how is it that I can't even do something that seems like it should be so simple in comparison to the actual events?
Once I walked out I just couldn't go back in and in fact I wanted to just leave because I could feel the breakdown I was going through.
Then I did go back in once I heard the movie stop, only to walk back out again. Once I returned I couldn't even talk and I feel bad but I couldn't do it.
I'm upset that this is my life, that I have to go through this to get in some sense over it. I'm frustrated with myself that I walked out, I know I shouldn't but I feel like a failure.
I hate that since losing my son I have become this emotional person, I especially dislike crying yet I can't seem to go through this process or talking about Ethan without crying.
I tried making a few phone calls on the way home but of course there was no one to talk to. I should be used to it, but somewhere inside it makes me feel even worse that the words you are alone are echoed.
I should be used to being alone, but it bothers me. I have been very much alone my entire life and for once I don't want to be alone.
So I just came home and went to journal but decided not to so I crawled into bed and fell asleep.
This process is very debilitating.
I thought well I watched Precious and I could handle that, so this movie should be cake right?
Well very much not the case. From minutes into the movie I closed down I just couldn't do this, but I didn't want to be the odd one who left the room.
So I stayed and really it made it much worse. Hearing people talk about their actual events the bathtub, the guy who talked about his neighbor and then the girl who talked about her dad waiting down the hall for her.
These are all events I went through so the flash back started and I became rather overwhelmed. The court papers statements popped up in my head. So I stayed until I could feel my body get extremely tense, till I felt physically ill.
I walked out and then I felt like a failure, how is it that I can't even do something that seems like it should be so simple in comparison to the actual events?
Once I walked out I just couldn't go back in and in fact I wanted to just leave because I could feel the breakdown I was going through.
Then I did go back in once I heard the movie stop, only to walk back out again. Once I returned I couldn't even talk and I feel bad but I couldn't do it.
I'm upset that this is my life, that I have to go through this to get in some sense over it. I'm frustrated with myself that I walked out, I know I shouldn't but I feel like a failure.
I hate that since losing my son I have become this emotional person, I especially dislike crying yet I can't seem to go through this process or talking about Ethan without crying.
I tried making a few phone calls on the way home but of course there was no one to talk to. I should be used to it, but somewhere inside it makes me feel even worse that the words you are alone are echoed.
I should be used to being alone, but it bothers me. I have been very much alone my entire life and for once I don't want to be alone.
So I just came home and went to journal but decided not to so I crawled into bed and fell asleep.
This process is very debilitating.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A letter to mom
Dear mom,
So I am suppose to sit and I guess let my anger fester inside and put it here. All the reasons I am upset with you but never was given the voice to say.
I never thought I was mad at you for the incest. Then as I got to thinking about it, no I am not mad at you he did it, but I am upset that you didn’t protect me. That the family relationship was so warped I couldn’t tell you what was going on.
I am very upset that never once did you put your arms around me and tell me you were sorry this happened. You never took any accountability for any of it, I begged you on New Year’s Eve not to leave me. Sure I didn’t come out and tell you why but I had never begged you to not go to work before.
I am angry that after writing this I realize that the incest had to have been going on prior to new years eve because I remember being so upset you didn’t listen to me and even after crying and begging you, you still went to work. You didn’t try to get me to explain why I didn’t want you to go to work. You just left me there with him.
I always had to be an adult from very early on. You married that drunken bastard and yet I had to be the one while you were gone to clean up his vomit messes, blood on the floor from his drunken episodes. We were woken up multiple times late into the night because he got into a car accident and had been driving drunk. I remember wishing he would have just been killed himself. He couldn’t have hurt me anymore and I wouldn’t have to watch him physically abuse you.
That never growing up did you wrap your arms around me and tell me you loved me. I get that because of your past you were unable to provide me with that nurturance that a child needs. But it does not make it any less painful that I needed you and you weren’t there for me.
I am upset that I was repeatly abused by you. Head smashed into a glass hamster cage, and more so in front of my only childhood friend. I guess now I am glad she was there to witness it because I know I have that validation that it happened.
Being smacked across the face, hair brushes smacked against my head, being called a slut, a trouble maker, a bitch more names that I can recall.
That when I tried to reach out for acceptance and support from other’s you said I was looking for attention and I was this horrible kid. Sure I was looking for attention, but from you. And never in a bad way.
Sometimes I look at Kandra, Wayne, Joey and Pat and wonder how on earth they ended up the way they did. And then I realize that a huge part of it was a lack in appropriate parenting.
All those times you told me you hated me, wished you had an abortion with me and just flat out screamed and yelled at me for your life. A big part of me died. I always wondered growing up what I did to make you so mad at me. I mean as an adult I know the worst thing I ever did was ditch classes in high school.
Yet somehow I was always the bad kid, and you hated me so much. I made your life hell when I didn’t even ask to be put on this earth.
When you told me you wished you had an abortion with me, I think at that very moment I wanted to just die and be gone so I could rid the pain from your life. I never did anything to make you proud or happy.
The time you told me you didn’t believe the abuse happened because you never saw it.
The fact that you always protected your boyfriends or husbands before us.
We were never first in your life in fact we came in last if at all.
I raised myself two jobs at 14 just so I could have nice clothes, food and the things a normal kid needs. A hefty car payment at 17 just so I could get to and from work. I didn’t get to be anywhere near normal, when next to having two parents or even one to love me that’s all I needed.
I was the only person in the entire family to graduate from high school. I tried and I wanted nothing more than a mom to hold me and tell me she loved me. I never got that.
I remember being grounded countless times because I wanted to go to church, the time Jennifer and I got screamed and yelled at because we decorated the house for your birthday and used tape to put the streamers on the wall, screamed at because we ate a snack out of the house without asking, screamed at for reporting the physical abuse that took place and then called a liar and you told the police I caused the bruises myself just to get back at you because I was mad you got remarried, I remember you throwing away my bible because religion was a cult. When really God was the only thing I had.
You had me so mad at God; I felt every word you said about him was true. You were right he didn’t protect me either and must not have loved me.
I looked for love from everyone else because I couldn’t get it from you but I have only been let down. I always thought if my own mom couldn’t love me then it would be impossible for anyone else to.
I always dreamed of finding someone who would just love me for me and actually want me. I wanted nothing more than a mom and a dad to call my own. They never came through.
I thought about all the times I just sat in my room crying till 2-3 in the morning because you hated me so much, and I caused so much pain in your life by just simply existing if that’s what you even call it.
Now I sit as an adult and wonder if it is true that if you didn’t want me why would anyone else. Not only did my dad walk out of my life so did you. Sure your body was around but you were not.
You didn’t attend school events, competitions, heck you never even attended my school conferences my winter guard instructor did because I was failing classes and someone needed to be there.
I never really made you proud to say “that’s my daughter”.
I am hurt that I could never do right in your eyes when all I ever wanted was to make you proud. I’m pissed you didn’t protect me from him and you let men in and out of your life not just hurting you. It wasn’t always about you what about me? They abused me physically, mentally and sexually. Not just one of them almost every single one of them. The only person I can say that I am not sure if he hurt me was Ken.
I am mad that you never have really just loved me, that you always make excuses for everything and will defend everything tooth and nail if you believe it’s right but you never defended me. You were always looking for ways to make yourself feel better. Defend the horrible parenting choices you made. Everything from the reasons why my sexual abuse wasn’t your fault to the reasons why it was acceptable you didn’t turn in the people who hurt us.
I know that a lot of my critical self comes from you and the beliefs about me that you have installed in me; I want to just be free of every possible assumption, belief given from you. But it isn’t that easy. Sometimes I wish you would have just given me away when I was born or had an abortion because I feel very robbed of a semi normal childhood and even adulthood.
Somehow I have to fix this mess so I don’t screw up the most important little people in my life. I don’t want them to hate me that way I hate you.
So I am suppose to sit and I guess let my anger fester inside and put it here. All the reasons I am upset with you but never was given the voice to say.
I never thought I was mad at you for the incest. Then as I got to thinking about it, no I am not mad at you he did it, but I am upset that you didn’t protect me. That the family relationship was so warped I couldn’t tell you what was going on.
I am very upset that never once did you put your arms around me and tell me you were sorry this happened. You never took any accountability for any of it, I begged you on New Year’s Eve not to leave me. Sure I didn’t come out and tell you why but I had never begged you to not go to work before.
I am angry that after writing this I realize that the incest had to have been going on prior to new years eve because I remember being so upset you didn’t listen to me and even after crying and begging you, you still went to work. You didn’t try to get me to explain why I didn’t want you to go to work. You just left me there with him.
I always had to be an adult from very early on. You married that drunken bastard and yet I had to be the one while you were gone to clean up his vomit messes, blood on the floor from his drunken episodes. We were woken up multiple times late into the night because he got into a car accident and had been driving drunk. I remember wishing he would have just been killed himself. He couldn’t have hurt me anymore and I wouldn’t have to watch him physically abuse you.
That never growing up did you wrap your arms around me and tell me you loved me. I get that because of your past you were unable to provide me with that nurturance that a child needs. But it does not make it any less painful that I needed you and you weren’t there for me.
I am upset that I was repeatly abused by you. Head smashed into a glass hamster cage, and more so in front of my only childhood friend. I guess now I am glad she was there to witness it because I know I have that validation that it happened.
Being smacked across the face, hair brushes smacked against my head, being called a slut, a trouble maker, a bitch more names that I can recall.
That when I tried to reach out for acceptance and support from other’s you said I was looking for attention and I was this horrible kid. Sure I was looking for attention, but from you. And never in a bad way.
Sometimes I look at Kandra, Wayne, Joey and Pat and wonder how on earth they ended up the way they did. And then I realize that a huge part of it was a lack in appropriate parenting.
All those times you told me you hated me, wished you had an abortion with me and just flat out screamed and yelled at me for your life. A big part of me died. I always wondered growing up what I did to make you so mad at me. I mean as an adult I know the worst thing I ever did was ditch classes in high school.
Yet somehow I was always the bad kid, and you hated me so much. I made your life hell when I didn’t even ask to be put on this earth.
When you told me you wished you had an abortion with me, I think at that very moment I wanted to just die and be gone so I could rid the pain from your life. I never did anything to make you proud or happy.
The time you told me you didn’t believe the abuse happened because you never saw it.
The fact that you always protected your boyfriends or husbands before us.
We were never first in your life in fact we came in last if at all.
I raised myself two jobs at 14 just so I could have nice clothes, food and the things a normal kid needs. A hefty car payment at 17 just so I could get to and from work. I didn’t get to be anywhere near normal, when next to having two parents or even one to love me that’s all I needed.
I was the only person in the entire family to graduate from high school. I tried and I wanted nothing more than a mom to hold me and tell me she loved me. I never got that.
I remember being grounded countless times because I wanted to go to church, the time Jennifer and I got screamed and yelled at because we decorated the house for your birthday and used tape to put the streamers on the wall, screamed at because we ate a snack out of the house without asking, screamed at for reporting the physical abuse that took place and then called a liar and you told the police I caused the bruises myself just to get back at you because I was mad you got remarried, I remember you throwing away my bible because religion was a cult. When really God was the only thing I had.
You had me so mad at God; I felt every word you said about him was true. You were right he didn’t protect me either and must not have loved me.
I looked for love from everyone else because I couldn’t get it from you but I have only been let down. I always thought if my own mom couldn’t love me then it would be impossible for anyone else to.
I always dreamed of finding someone who would just love me for me and actually want me. I wanted nothing more than a mom and a dad to call my own. They never came through.
I thought about all the times I just sat in my room crying till 2-3 in the morning because you hated me so much, and I caused so much pain in your life by just simply existing if that’s what you even call it.
Now I sit as an adult and wonder if it is true that if you didn’t want me why would anyone else. Not only did my dad walk out of my life so did you. Sure your body was around but you were not.
You didn’t attend school events, competitions, heck you never even attended my school conferences my winter guard instructor did because I was failing classes and someone needed to be there.
I never really made you proud to say “that’s my daughter”.
I am hurt that I could never do right in your eyes when all I ever wanted was to make you proud. I’m pissed you didn’t protect me from him and you let men in and out of your life not just hurting you. It wasn’t always about you what about me? They abused me physically, mentally and sexually. Not just one of them almost every single one of them. The only person I can say that I am not sure if he hurt me was Ken.
I am mad that you never have really just loved me, that you always make excuses for everything and will defend everything tooth and nail if you believe it’s right but you never defended me. You were always looking for ways to make yourself feel better. Defend the horrible parenting choices you made. Everything from the reasons why my sexual abuse wasn’t your fault to the reasons why it was acceptable you didn’t turn in the people who hurt us.
I know that a lot of my critical self comes from you and the beliefs about me that you have installed in me; I want to just be free of every possible assumption, belief given from you. But it isn’t that easy. Sometimes I wish you would have just given me away when I was born or had an abortion because I feel very robbed of a semi normal childhood and even adulthood.
Somehow I have to fix this mess so I don’t screw up the most important little people in my life. I don’t want them to hate me that way I hate you.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Another step forward
Whew what a week it has been. Actually not even a week just since Thursday.
I decided today I wanted my court records it was so long ago, I wanted them all in front of me and I wanted to be able to see for myself in writing what this creep had done.
I am not sure why I knew it in my heart already but time dissolves the vivid memories.
So I drove to the court house and well it was the wrong one, so I went to the right one. As soon as I saw it from a distance my heart sunk.
It all came back to me all those pent up feelings from court day came back.
But I decided this time I would walk in head held high. So I did, I went to the records desk and asked if I could pull a file from an old case.
Of course it wasn't cut and dry, why, who, who was I? All that fun stuff.
She leaves and grabs my file and it was pretty thick too. And then when I ask how I get copies she replies with... "You can go there and make copies for .25 a page"
I wanted to scream it was huge so 30.00 later I had all I needed. I read some of it while there but had to quit I couldn't read much.
I got home and started reading all the paper work, I felt extreme anger come over me.
Why and how can he just get away with this crap? One of the papers was a testimony from him, and the events he recalled were totally absurd.
He wrote a letter to the courts three months into his 6 month sentence asking for a dismissal of his case for good time and work. Of course he got it.
I was just enraged that he gets to live his life while I get to repair mine and the damage he has done.
That I have to pay out of pocket for therapy and this incest survivors group. That I have to re-learn what a normal relationship looks like.
He did this not me.
Then I have the family drama about all of this. Why am I doing this now? Shouldn't I be better? I shouldn't need this? It doesn't make sense. Am I just looking for money?
Of course the hell I'm not looking for money there is no value I could even put on what he has taken from me.
Not only did he torture my life for for flipping years. But he took so much more from me. Healthy relationships, the inner child is pretty screwed up. My family dynamic is so messed up.
Never today did I get are you ok? How did it feel to read that? Instead I got all of the above crap and then it became about everyone else.
I decided today I wanted my court records it was so long ago, I wanted them all in front of me and I wanted to be able to see for myself in writing what this creep had done.
I am not sure why I knew it in my heart already but time dissolves the vivid memories.
So I drove to the court house and well it was the wrong one, so I went to the right one. As soon as I saw it from a distance my heart sunk.
It all came back to me all those pent up feelings from court day came back.
But I decided this time I would walk in head held high. So I did, I went to the records desk and asked if I could pull a file from an old case.
Of course it wasn't cut and dry, why, who, who was I? All that fun stuff.
She leaves and grabs my file and it was pretty thick too. And then when I ask how I get copies she replies with... "You can go there and make copies for .25 a page"
I wanted to scream it was huge so 30.00 later I had all I needed. I read some of it while there but had to quit I couldn't read much.
I got home and started reading all the paper work, I felt extreme anger come over me.
Why and how can he just get away with this crap? One of the papers was a testimony from him, and the events he recalled were totally absurd.
He wrote a letter to the courts three months into his 6 month sentence asking for a dismissal of his case for good time and work. Of course he got it.
I was just enraged that he gets to live his life while I get to repair mine and the damage he has done.
That I have to pay out of pocket for therapy and this incest survivors group. That I have to re-learn what a normal relationship looks like.
He did this not me.
Then I have the family drama about all of this. Why am I doing this now? Shouldn't I be better? I shouldn't need this? It doesn't make sense. Am I just looking for money?
Of course the hell I'm not looking for money there is no value I could even put on what he has taken from me.
Not only did he torture my life for for flipping years. But he took so much more from me. Healthy relationships, the inner child is pretty screwed up. My family dynamic is so messed up.
Never today did I get are you ok? How did it feel to read that? Instead I got all of the above crap and then it became about everyone else.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Group session#3
Well that one is over with, but I think it was the worst one yet.
Actually I don't think I belong there.
I was caught off guard tonight when we were asked to answer these three questions
1)How old were we when it happened?
2)Who was the offender?
3)Who did we tell?
Not that saying it was horrible, but it was the first time I think I have ever said it out loud in front of a group of people let alone strangers.
But sitting there listening to all the stories I could just feel myself melt away. All I could think of was that these poor women most of them were much younger than I was, had multiple abusers, and I being older should have known better and done something about it.
After that was all said and done, we were asked how we felt about telling.
I sat for a few and then said that it was hard, but hearing all the stories was much harder I felt sick to my stomach and in complete disgust. And I also didn't feel I belonged there.
I was much older and my abuse wasn't as bad as what I was hearing.
I sat there the rest of the night, just ready to burst in tears I knew if someone talked to me or if I talked I would cry.
I stayed as present as possible but I know that people knew something was up I was asked twice by the counselors to check in.
Then we had to go over things/objects we had that helped us through. The only physical thing I had was Rae's encouragement letter. At the very end they asked me to read it.
I wasn't sure at first if I should it was personal, but I knew it did mean a lot to me so I went for it. Of course the tears came.
As far as other coping mechanisms I used to make it so I could get where I am today were...
Being a perfectionist- this served as a mask, it gave no outside proof of the pain I felt inside. It was a way to find acceptance from other people.
Wishing I had another family and dreaming about having another family growing up.
Cutting- provided a relief of pain
Journaling- somewhere to put my feelings since I had no one to listen.
Isolation- Kept away the possibility of pain from other people.
Last night I came home and just crawled into bed, I couldn't talk about it, I just wanted to melt into the bed and fall asleep I was so drained.
I tried to sleep but it was almost impossible I had horrible dreams all night, and I just don't feel I belong there so I'm not so sure what to do.
Actually I don't think I belong there.
I was caught off guard tonight when we were asked to answer these three questions
1)How old were we when it happened?
2)Who was the offender?
3)Who did we tell?
Not that saying it was horrible, but it was the first time I think I have ever said it out loud in front of a group of people let alone strangers.
But sitting there listening to all the stories I could just feel myself melt away. All I could think of was that these poor women most of them were much younger than I was, had multiple abusers, and I being older should have known better and done something about it.
After that was all said and done, we were asked how we felt about telling.
I sat for a few and then said that it was hard, but hearing all the stories was much harder I felt sick to my stomach and in complete disgust. And I also didn't feel I belonged there.
I was much older and my abuse wasn't as bad as what I was hearing.
I sat there the rest of the night, just ready to burst in tears I knew if someone talked to me or if I talked I would cry.
I stayed as present as possible but I know that people knew something was up I was asked twice by the counselors to check in.
Then we had to go over things/objects we had that helped us through. The only physical thing I had was Rae's encouragement letter. At the very end they asked me to read it.
I wasn't sure at first if I should it was personal, but I knew it did mean a lot to me so I went for it. Of course the tears came.
As far as other coping mechanisms I used to make it so I could get where I am today were...
Being a perfectionist- this served as a mask, it gave no outside proof of the pain I felt inside. It was a way to find acceptance from other people.
Wishing I had another family and dreaming about having another family growing up.
Cutting- provided a relief of pain
Journaling- somewhere to put my feelings since I had no one to listen.
Isolation- Kept away the possibility of pain from other people.
Last night I came home and just crawled into bed, I couldn't talk about it, I just wanted to melt into the bed and fall asleep I was so drained.
I tried to sleep but it was almost impossible I had horrible dreams all night, and I just don't feel I belong there so I'm not so sure what to do.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Faith
I came across this quote today, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase". - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Very fitting for today beings its Mr Luther King Day, but very fitting to this process.
Taking the first step was saying it happened out loud to someone. No details yet just that it happened.
Second step was meeting with the RAAP counselors to learn about the groups they offered.
Third step was saying, I will. I would commit to this 6 month process.
Fourth step was walking into the doors of RAAP for my first group meeting.
As far as how many steps this will take, well that is unknown for now. But Faith was that first step and let's hope faith continues to walk with me on this uncharted quest.
Last night I watched the Golden Globes and the actress that played Precious mom in the movie Precious won an award. I cried when she spoke and had said she was celebrating the award for all precious people out there. For anyone who has ever been touched. It was for us.
Very fitting for today beings its Mr Luther King Day, but very fitting to this process.
Taking the first step was saying it happened out loud to someone. No details yet just that it happened.
Second step was meeting with the RAAP counselors to learn about the groups they offered.
Third step was saying, I will. I would commit to this 6 month process.
Fourth step was walking into the doors of RAAP for my first group meeting.
As far as how many steps this will take, well that is unknown for now. But Faith was that first step and let's hope faith continues to walk with me on this uncharted quest.
Last night I watched the Golden Globes and the actress that played Precious mom in the movie Precious won an award. I cried when she spoke and had said she was celebrating the award for all precious people out there. For anyone who has ever been touched. It was for us.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Group session #2
Well I am home from the second Incest survivor's group session and this one was much deeper than the first one.
First we got our test results, and I don't remember what the test is called but I guess I did ok. I answered as honest as possible and I was a bit of confused as to the results, but I was nervous to sit and talk about it. Basically there are three categories they will be watching me in.
I ended up frustrated and angry. Frustrated that a goal I chose seems to be a lot bigger and in dept than I originally thought. Frustrated that it doesn't seem so achievable now. That I am not sure how to make my goal of realizing it's not my fault a reality.
Angry because if I put blame on him, how on earth is it fair that I have to go through all of this? How is it fair that he gets to walk away? I have to deal with the financial aspect of his damage. That he was wrong but I get the punishment from all angle's. Sure life isn't fair we teach our kids that, but really this more than sucks.
I'm angry and frustrated that its not an easy fix that I have to sit until next Thursday with all of these feelings alone. That after a two hour session I get to go home and be sad, upset, angry and confused.
I'm angry with myself that I went in with such a good positive attitude and was actually looking forward to being there, and somehow I still ended up in tears when I told myself not tonight.
I sit and look at the whole process/experience and thinking about this process is like putting on a size 5 shoe when you actually wear a 7 and sure you can take a few steps in them, but after a few steps you have to sit and take off the shoe because it just flat out hurts. The problem is I cant just take it away so easy.
I want this more than anything and I'm bracing for it just like if you were to miss a step and go tumbling down a flight of stairs....or if you slip on gravel on a bike. You have these long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt and badly at that. But this isn't an accident, so sometimes I wonder why am I doing this to myself? I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that in the end this pain will all pay off or at least I hope.
First we got our test results, and I don't remember what the test is called but I guess I did ok. I answered as honest as possible and I was a bit of confused as to the results, but I was nervous to sit and talk about it. Basically there are three categories they will be watching me in.
I ended up frustrated and angry. Frustrated that a goal I chose seems to be a lot bigger and in dept than I originally thought. Frustrated that it doesn't seem so achievable now. That I am not sure how to make my goal of realizing it's not my fault a reality.
Angry because if I put blame on him, how on earth is it fair that I have to go through all of this? How is it fair that he gets to walk away? I have to deal with the financial aspect of his damage. That he was wrong but I get the punishment from all angle's. Sure life isn't fair we teach our kids that, but really this more than sucks.
I'm angry and frustrated that its not an easy fix that I have to sit until next Thursday with all of these feelings alone. That after a two hour session I get to go home and be sad, upset, angry and confused.
I'm angry with myself that I went in with such a good positive attitude and was actually looking forward to being there, and somehow I still ended up in tears when I told myself not tonight.
I sit and look at the whole process/experience and thinking about this process is like putting on a size 5 shoe when you actually wear a 7 and sure you can take a few steps in them, but after a few steps you have to sit and take off the shoe because it just flat out hurts. The problem is I cant just take it away so easy.
I want this more than anything and I'm bracing for it just like if you were to miss a step and go tumbling down a flight of stairs....or if you slip on gravel on a bike. You have these long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt and badly at that. But this isn't an accident, so sometimes I wonder why am I doing this to myself? I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that in the end this pain will all pay off or at least I hope.
wondering
I got to thinking about friendships and relationships. I have a few that I wouldn't trade for the world, and a few I should just let go of.
Then I thought about a relationship of mine. I care very much about this person as if I knew her for years. But its pretty different and one sided really. I mean she knows everything about me and I know very few details about her.
Sure I know she likes snow globes, skiing, food, she is married and has a dog I think. But I think the general outside person could learn that.
How do you care so much about someone who you hardly know? I don't mean like a romantic care just friendly care. I got to thinking about this because I had a dream in which she was killed in a plane crash, I woke up crying and couldn't sleep. It was horrifying.
So when I was relaxing this afternoon it all came to me. I love her like a sister or best friend, I care very much about her as I do any of my friends.
But I know very little about her life and her as a person. I know she is very genuine, caring, loving, compassionate person but that's it.
I'm guessing this comes from the fact she loves and cares about me with no expectations at all, other than to be true to myself.
Almost 10 months ago when I met her I didn't expect to care, I figured she would be like any other person in life and I would hurry up and get my problems out there and be done with it all. If I even got that far, to be honest I never thought I'd continue going back after a few months. I honestly was pretty nervous I wouldn't like her at all. I guess from the moment she cried over the loss of my son with me, it was then I knew she was special.
I'm a blessed person I guess I just need to think of it that way.
Then I thought about a relationship of mine. I care very much about this person as if I knew her for years. But its pretty different and one sided really. I mean she knows everything about me and I know very few details about her.
Sure I know she likes snow globes, skiing, food, she is married and has a dog I think. But I think the general outside person could learn that.
How do you care so much about someone who you hardly know? I don't mean like a romantic care just friendly care. I got to thinking about this because I had a dream in which she was killed in a plane crash, I woke up crying and couldn't sleep. It was horrifying.
So when I was relaxing this afternoon it all came to me. I love her like a sister or best friend, I care very much about her as I do any of my friends.
But I know very little about her life and her as a person. I know she is very genuine, caring, loving, compassionate person but that's it.
I'm guessing this comes from the fact she loves and cares about me with no expectations at all, other than to be true to myself.
Almost 10 months ago when I met her I didn't expect to care, I figured she would be like any other person in life and I would hurry up and get my problems out there and be done with it all. If I even got that far, to be honest I never thought I'd continue going back after a few months. I honestly was pretty nervous I wouldn't like her at all. I guess from the moment she cried over the loss of my son with me, it was then I knew she was special.
I'm a blessed person I guess I just need to think of it that way.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Rollercoaster's
This process is much like a roller coaster one minute up and then next a major downward spiral. In the meantime its like we are sitting bracing for the worst.
That has been my week. Today I am feeling pretty good, well I have been since last friday. My oldest baby turned 7 and sitting and reflecting on where my life has taken me was pretty amazing.
There has been more downs then up's in my life for sure, and some days I feel like my head is being held under water. But then like today it's like finally someone showed me they cared, and sometimes a simple hug, I care about you...is all its takes to lift that burden.
But on day's like today I have this feeling of being loved which is great. That feeling is pretty far in between. But I'm pretty lucky to know some of the people I do.
And I had not been through one of the worst things ever by losing my son I would have never met one of those people.
This is a crazy journey and I have a lot to learn and a lot about myself as well. I think that's the hardest part so far. Is learning all the weird quirks and crap that make me well me. But not the me I want to be.
The hardest part is just really hearing what someone is telling you. Sure I know she cared about me, but would she really tell me otherwise. Having that re-enforced today was pretty powerful. At first I was sitting telling myself of course she will tell you all that, but sooner or later you will learn otherwise. And I may not be the best judge of character but just a quick glance into her eyes told me she wasn't lying.
But really soaking it in was hard, letting go of all inhibitions, the little girl inside me saying not to trust her, all those old ways of not letting in the love... yup that was very hard.
I want to be able to....
*connect with that inner child
*have more fruitful relationships
*not need that inner child's need's so much
*learn to accept I didn't cause the abuse
*learn to accept that I deserve to be loved and cared for
*Learn to love my boys as much as I can
*Learn to love me for me
*have a support system
That has been my week. Today I am feeling pretty good, well I have been since last friday. My oldest baby turned 7 and sitting and reflecting on where my life has taken me was pretty amazing.
There has been more downs then up's in my life for sure, and some days I feel like my head is being held under water. But then like today it's like finally someone showed me they cared, and sometimes a simple hug, I care about you...is all its takes to lift that burden.
But on day's like today I have this feeling of being loved which is great. That feeling is pretty far in between. But I'm pretty lucky to know some of the people I do.
And I had not been through one of the worst things ever by losing my son I would have never met one of those people.
This is a crazy journey and I have a lot to learn and a lot about myself as well. I think that's the hardest part so far. Is learning all the weird quirks and crap that make me well me. But not the me I want to be.
The hardest part is just really hearing what someone is telling you. Sure I know she cared about me, but would she really tell me otherwise. Having that re-enforced today was pretty powerful. At first I was sitting telling myself of course she will tell you all that, but sooner or later you will learn otherwise. And I may not be the best judge of character but just a quick glance into her eyes told me she wasn't lying.
But really soaking it in was hard, letting go of all inhibitions, the little girl inside me saying not to trust her, all those old ways of not letting in the love... yup that was very hard.
I want to be able to....
*connect with that inner child
*have more fruitful relationships
*not need that inner child's need's so much
*learn to accept I didn't cause the abuse
*learn to accept that I deserve to be loved and cared for
*Learn to love my boys as much as I can
*Learn to love me for me
*have a support system
Thursday, January 7, 2010
First RAAP group
All the way there I felt sick to my stomach, I turned up the volume on my radio and popped in a cd...in mear hopes that it would blanket the feelings and anxiety.
It didn't work needless to say, but I got there and sat in my car for a few minutes wanting to turn around. But I got out of the car and headed to the door, rang the doorbell and sat for a few minutes.
She opened the door and we walked up to the room where group would take place. We all sat there and well just sat. I scanned the room looked at the pictures on the wall. I must say some of the pictures are pretty bland lol. I would love to give them other ones to put up maybe someday.
And we just sat there all three of us, then one by one a few more joined and we just sat there. No one looking at anyone really, just sitting.
The silence was horrible for me, I wasn't near as comfortable as I am with my counselor. The room wasn't near as inviting.
Then group started I did pretty good, that is until they asked what it was that made us decided to take this on, what our fears and hopes were?
Everyone just sat there in silence again I think I was the third person that spoke up. And I of course started crying, then I cried when I said what I hoped to get out of it was "to take my life back", "to learn to be more affectionate with my boys, to learn I am not him", "to gain a support system".
Well having the other girls there as a support out of group is highly discouraged. So I do have that once a week, but not outside support. I am kinda bummed but I guess I understand it.
I was a mess though, the only person crying. I told them I was sorry it has just been a really bad week.
I'm excited, nervous, and hope to god I sleep tonight.
I also chatted with someone today and told them why I have been having such a hard time. She said to email my counselor and ask for more time next week. I explained that there is no way that is happening. I do see what she was saying and she is right I do need that. But as usual I'm stuck in this crazy state. I can't ask.
I have an old high school counselor who I can make an appt with when I need to, so that idea has popped up. Maybe on those weeks that I need a little more I can just go there. That way I don't step on toes and become overwhelming, but is that right? maybe its wrong. Grrrrr I just don't know. Sometimes things that feel right have been wrong, and of course I'm well known for feeling wrong to be told its ok. So I guess I just sit here I don't know.
It didn't work needless to say, but I got there and sat in my car for a few minutes wanting to turn around. But I got out of the car and headed to the door, rang the doorbell and sat for a few minutes.
She opened the door and we walked up to the room where group would take place. We all sat there and well just sat. I scanned the room looked at the pictures on the wall. I must say some of the pictures are pretty bland lol. I would love to give them other ones to put up maybe someday.
And we just sat there all three of us, then one by one a few more joined and we just sat there. No one looking at anyone really, just sitting.
The silence was horrible for me, I wasn't near as comfortable as I am with my counselor. The room wasn't near as inviting.
Then group started I did pretty good, that is until they asked what it was that made us decided to take this on, what our fears and hopes were?
Everyone just sat there in silence again I think I was the third person that spoke up. And I of course started crying, then I cried when I said what I hoped to get out of it was "to take my life back", "to learn to be more affectionate with my boys, to learn I am not him", "to gain a support system".
Well having the other girls there as a support out of group is highly discouraged. So I do have that once a week, but not outside support. I am kinda bummed but I guess I understand it.
I was a mess though, the only person crying. I told them I was sorry it has just been a really bad week.
I'm excited, nervous, and hope to god I sleep tonight.
I also chatted with someone today and told them why I have been having such a hard time. She said to email my counselor and ask for more time next week. I explained that there is no way that is happening. I do see what she was saying and she is right I do need that. But as usual I'm stuck in this crazy state. I can't ask.
I have an old high school counselor who I can make an appt with when I need to, so that idea has popped up. Maybe on those weeks that I need a little more I can just go there. That way I don't step on toes and become overwhelming, but is that right? maybe its wrong. Grrrrr I just don't know. Sometimes things that feel right have been wrong, and of course I'm well known for feeling wrong to be told its ok. So I guess I just sit here I don't know.
"Reproach itself has broken my heart, and the wound is incurable. And I kept hoping for someone to show sympathy, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none." Psalms 69:20
This scripture is exactley how I feel.
I could not sleep last night. Not at all, every time I closed my eyes the tears would fall. I could feel my eyes getting hot.
I would hear her ask me if I knew how much she cared, I could picture today going to raap and just standing at the door.
I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I thought I could/would be a better person for changing me. But I am beginning to think it was a very stupid decision. This process is much more than I imagined.
I remember Tuesday her saying something about this being my life, and how its all I think about. I said it's not. And really it is not all I think about. But yes when the rest of the house has gone to bed, I think about it sometimes. It's no different than Ethan's loss. This is part of who I am.
I work and I'm good at my work but when work is done yes this is me. I don't have that husband to turn to. And unless I reach out to someone I am my own container. The lid has been sealed tight for so long, and I thought ok someone is here now to listen and will protect me, and the freaking lid exploded.
I was incredibly stupid for letting that happen.
Angela
weak yet appear to be strong on the outside, emotional, protective, hurt, angry, sad, vulnerable, reaching out, mother of an angel, daughter of disaster, needy friend, wife of obligation, mom of four incredible boys, disappointed, wears her heart on her sleeve, would give anything to help another person, trying to make a difference, trying to find her place in this world, accomplished yet totally lost, afraid of being hurt more, victim of childhood incest, and maybe at fault, insecure, hard on herself, wanting to be accepted and loved, fights daily with herself, heartbroken, photographer by design, childcare provider through love, volunteer by nature, needy.
Donaldson
I am just not sure I fit into this world and sometimes I wonder why this life is mine? I would love to just escape it for a few days. I'm not sure what I did to deserve to deal with this life and alone more than anything. If I had someone to really care it might be different. But I don't. I'm my own cheerleader and coach and most of the time, I can't be that and me at the same time.
Maybe other people can. I know other's have it a lot worse off than myself. But this is too much for me to handle alone. I did a much better job of just keeping it inside. It didn't hurt this much at all.
On Tuesday afternoon Janie my Jehovah's witness friend came by and all I could tell her was today is not a good day. She gave me a hug and asked why. Of course the tears started, I told her I had a counseling appt this morning and she asked if it was for Ethan. I told her no it was for the abuse, she knows a little about it, no details though.
She said well let me read you a few bible scriptures and I just started crying, and thinking, "hell I don't even think that man loves me either. I talk till I am blue in the face in prayer to him and I don't feel as close anymore. Maybe I'm praying wrong, or maybe I'm just a wasted energy I don't know but I just cant do it anymore."
I have friends but most have distanced themselves from me, won't respond to emails, calls and are just plain busy in their lives. It's unfair to keep reaching out and being a pain to them and yet I feel worse when I do and no response is given.
I do what I can to help other's because it feels right. But I think more than that its because then and only then am I needed, wanted and cared about. I feel as if I finally have a place and matter. In everyday life I don't matter. To the people I am helping I appear strong when inside I'm crumbling.
I guess we will see what happens today. I may or may not go, or I may get there and leave I don't know I do know that the simple fact I cannot even look at someone without tears falling is something in its self.
This scripture is exactley how I feel.
I could not sleep last night. Not at all, every time I closed my eyes the tears would fall. I could feel my eyes getting hot.
I would hear her ask me if I knew how much she cared, I could picture today going to raap and just standing at the door.
I don't know why I am doing this to myself. I thought I could/would be a better person for changing me. But I am beginning to think it was a very stupid decision. This process is much more than I imagined.
I remember Tuesday her saying something about this being my life, and how its all I think about. I said it's not. And really it is not all I think about. But yes when the rest of the house has gone to bed, I think about it sometimes. It's no different than Ethan's loss. This is part of who I am.
I work and I'm good at my work but when work is done yes this is me. I don't have that husband to turn to. And unless I reach out to someone I am my own container. The lid has been sealed tight for so long, and I thought ok someone is here now to listen and will protect me, and the freaking lid exploded.
I was incredibly stupid for letting that happen.
Angela
weak yet appear to be strong on the outside, emotional, protective, hurt, angry, sad, vulnerable, reaching out, mother of an angel, daughter of disaster, needy friend, wife of obligation, mom of four incredible boys, disappointed, wears her heart on her sleeve, would give anything to help another person, trying to make a difference, trying to find her place in this world, accomplished yet totally lost, afraid of being hurt more, victim of childhood incest, and maybe at fault, insecure, hard on herself, wanting to be accepted and loved, fights daily with herself, heartbroken, photographer by design, childcare provider through love, volunteer by nature, needy.
Donaldson
I am just not sure I fit into this world and sometimes I wonder why this life is mine? I would love to just escape it for a few days. I'm not sure what I did to deserve to deal with this life and alone more than anything. If I had someone to really care it might be different. But I don't. I'm my own cheerleader and coach and most of the time, I can't be that and me at the same time.
Maybe other people can. I know other's have it a lot worse off than myself. But this is too much for me to handle alone. I did a much better job of just keeping it inside. It didn't hurt this much at all.
On Tuesday afternoon Janie my Jehovah's witness friend came by and all I could tell her was today is not a good day. She gave me a hug and asked why. Of course the tears started, I told her I had a counseling appt this morning and she asked if it was for Ethan. I told her no it was for the abuse, she knows a little about it, no details though.
She said well let me read you a few bible scriptures and I just started crying, and thinking, "hell I don't even think that man loves me either. I talk till I am blue in the face in prayer to him and I don't feel as close anymore. Maybe I'm praying wrong, or maybe I'm just a wasted energy I don't know but I just cant do it anymore."
I have friends but most have distanced themselves from me, won't respond to emails, calls and are just plain busy in their lives. It's unfair to keep reaching out and being a pain to them and yet I feel worse when I do and no response is given.
I do what I can to help other's because it feels right. But I think more than that its because then and only then am I needed, wanted and cared about. I feel as if I finally have a place and matter. In everyday life I don't matter. To the people I am helping I appear strong when inside I'm crumbling.
I guess we will see what happens today. I may or may not go, or I may get there and leave I don't know I do know that the simple fact I cannot even look at someone without tears falling is something in its self.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I feel defeated
I had a very defeating session today and I must say I'm in a bad place. It took me a good 10 minutes sitting afterwards to get the nerve to get into my car. I just sat there bawling and wanting to just escape my life, and I still want that. Sitting on top of the parking garage I wondered how on earth I keep fucking things up. For a split second I found myself in that bad spot of wanting to escape life, it has to be much easier than dealing with all this.
I am Wondering why I am still here why didn't he take me instead of Ethan?
It never fails I suck at this thing called life.
I keep reaching out but too much and at all the wrong times. I'm not sure where to go at this point a huge part of me just want to say screw this I've had enough.
When she sat and asked me if I knew how much she cared about me, I was literally screaming inside "please don't say that, you care because I'm a client. Why are you telling me this?" I just shook my head yes instead, when really I wish I could have just screamed all that I was feeling inside. I didn't even look at her how could I?
I felt like a complete fool. No one really cares about me they all say they do and sooner or later they all leave. I am around for people to use me as their punching bag at least that's how I feel.
I try and sometimes I try too much and I hurt other's in the process. Way to go inner child, or maybe desperate disgusting person.
I've never once since I've been in counseling walked away for a break from counseling and today I needed to. I sat in the bathroom stall like a complete fool just breaking down. That is until someone else came in.
I didn't even want to go back into the session but all my stuff was in there. I put it there for a reason because I knew once I walked out that door it would be easy to just leave and not come back.
I don't know why after 28 years this intense need is here for me to find compassion, strength, love and acceptance from other people. For 28 years I have been able to do it by myself and my container was me. Well I have messed my container up and started relying on other's but in the end it has affected other's and I'm hurting myself more in the process.
Dammit already I have been trying so hard to have a closer relationship with God, with myself and reach out to other people. Yet I am hurting other people something I have never done.
I now I need to just make my container myself again and if I go back to counseling then I can vent whatever I feel I need to then and just deal the rest of the time.
I don't know why having no one bothers me all of a sudden but its time to suck it up and plug on through this shit or quit those are my choices.
Maybe my 50 minutes once a week isn't meeting my needs I am not sure what it is, I guess I just didn't see a problem but now I feel horrible that I have affected someone else.
I hate that I sit across the room and know that later opinions are being written down about me. I don't know what's being said.
I have until Monday to decided what I am going to do, and a huge part of me is thinking maybe its time to take this journey alone, do what I need to do and let go of the need to have someone.
I can always see how I feel doing it and go from there.
I listened to this song on the way home and it makes the feelings I'm holding inside even more real.
Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away
I wonder if that's what I need to do is take a risk and break away from counseling, sooner rather than later I will have to give it up and say goodbye and be really alone. Then I can't hurt other people myself included. This is torture on myself and I need to just accept this is my life. This is the life intended for me and what my life will be.
Here I was wearing Terri's shirt that says "I'm worth it", I just wanted to rip it off. I am trying to make myself believe it but what for? I walked into the bank after counseling looking like hell and I covered up that part of the shirt I couldn't stand someone else reading it.
I am Wondering why I am still here why didn't he take me instead of Ethan?
It never fails I suck at this thing called life.
I keep reaching out but too much and at all the wrong times. I'm not sure where to go at this point a huge part of me just want to say screw this I've had enough.
When she sat and asked me if I knew how much she cared about me, I was literally screaming inside "please don't say that, you care because I'm a client. Why are you telling me this?" I just shook my head yes instead, when really I wish I could have just screamed all that I was feeling inside. I didn't even look at her how could I?
I felt like a complete fool. No one really cares about me they all say they do and sooner or later they all leave. I am around for people to use me as their punching bag at least that's how I feel.
I try and sometimes I try too much and I hurt other's in the process. Way to go inner child, or maybe desperate disgusting person.
I've never once since I've been in counseling walked away for a break from counseling and today I needed to. I sat in the bathroom stall like a complete fool just breaking down. That is until someone else came in.
I didn't even want to go back into the session but all my stuff was in there. I put it there for a reason because I knew once I walked out that door it would be easy to just leave and not come back.
I don't know why after 28 years this intense need is here for me to find compassion, strength, love and acceptance from other people. For 28 years I have been able to do it by myself and my container was me. Well I have messed my container up and started relying on other's but in the end it has affected other's and I'm hurting myself more in the process.
Dammit already I have been trying so hard to have a closer relationship with God, with myself and reach out to other people. Yet I am hurting other people something I have never done.
I now I need to just make my container myself again and if I go back to counseling then I can vent whatever I feel I need to then and just deal the rest of the time.
I don't know why having no one bothers me all of a sudden but its time to suck it up and plug on through this shit or quit those are my choices.
Maybe my 50 minutes once a week isn't meeting my needs I am not sure what it is, I guess I just didn't see a problem but now I feel horrible that I have affected someone else.
I hate that I sit across the room and know that later opinions are being written down about me. I don't know what's being said.
I have until Monday to decided what I am going to do, and a huge part of me is thinking maybe its time to take this journey alone, do what I need to do and let go of the need to have someone.
I can always see how I feel doing it and go from there.
I listened to this song on the way home and it makes the feelings I'm holding inside even more real.
Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jetplane
Far away
And break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me
Gotta keep movin on movin on
Fly away
Break away
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away
I wonder if that's what I need to do is take a risk and break away from counseling, sooner rather than later I will have to give it up and say goodbye and be really alone. Then I can't hurt other people myself included. This is torture on myself and I need to just accept this is my life. This is the life intended for me and what my life will be.
Here I was wearing Terri's shirt that says "I'm worth it", I just wanted to rip it off. I am trying to make myself believe it but what for? I walked into the bank after counseling looking like hell and I covered up that part of the shirt I couldn't stand someone else reading it.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Another New Year and another new chapter
So here it is another new year a fresh start, and yet I'm absolutely petrified. How am I going to do this?
I'm so scared I have 6 days until the incest survivors group meets. I promised Id do this and now I feel sick simply knowing its less than a week away.
I'm afraid of all that will be brought up by this process. I simply do not remember my childhood before the age of 10. Nothing at all.
So this may dig up past stuff that I'm not too sure I can deal with.
I'd love to be happy that its a fresh slate to write on, and begin my future but instead I feel paralyzed by fear of what this year may bring.
There are possible happiness and also possible failure lurking around the corner.
When times get hard I sit and read the few letters of encouragement and my counselor said in hers that I would have freedom I will enjoy throughout and at the end of this process. I'm hoping and praying for that but it doesn't seem possible. Freedom from what?
And I start this journey alone which makes it even tougher. I wish I had that someone to sit and listen to me without feeling like a freak.
I'm so scared I have 6 days until the incest survivors group meets. I promised Id do this and now I feel sick simply knowing its less than a week away.
I'm afraid of all that will be brought up by this process. I simply do not remember my childhood before the age of 10. Nothing at all.
So this may dig up past stuff that I'm not too sure I can deal with.
I'd love to be happy that its a fresh slate to write on, and begin my future but instead I feel paralyzed by fear of what this year may bring.
There are possible happiness and also possible failure lurking around the corner.
When times get hard I sit and read the few letters of encouragement and my counselor said in hers that I would have freedom I will enjoy throughout and at the end of this process. I'm hoping and praying for that but it doesn't seem possible. Freedom from what?
And I start this journey alone which makes it even tougher. I wish I had that someone to sit and listen to me without feeling like a freak.
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