Well I am home from the second Incest survivor's group session and this one was much deeper than the first one.
First we got our test results, and I don't remember what the test is called but I guess I did ok. I answered as honest as possible and I was a bit of confused as to the results, but I was nervous to sit and talk about it. Basically there are three categories they will be watching me in.
I ended up frustrated and angry. Frustrated that a goal I chose seems to be a lot bigger and in dept than I originally thought. Frustrated that it doesn't seem so achievable now. That I am not sure how to make my goal of realizing it's not my fault a reality.
Angry because if I put blame on him, how on earth is it fair that I have to go through all of this? How is it fair that he gets to walk away? I have to deal with the financial aspect of his damage. That he was wrong but I get the punishment from all angle's. Sure life isn't fair we teach our kids that, but really this more than sucks.
I'm angry and frustrated that its not an easy fix that I have to sit until next Thursday with all of these feelings alone. That after a two hour session I get to go home and be sad, upset, angry and confused.
I'm angry with myself that I went in with such a good positive attitude and was actually looking forward to being there, and somehow I still ended up in tears when I told myself not tonight.
I sit and look at the whole process/experience and thinking about this process is like putting on a size 5 shoe when you actually wear a 7 and sure you can take a few steps in them, but after a few steps you have to sit and take off the shoe because it just flat out hurts. The problem is I cant just take it away so easy.
I want this more than anything and I'm bracing for it just like if you were to miss a step and go tumbling down a flight of stairs....or if you slip on gravel on a bike. You have these long seconds to know that you are going to be hurt and badly at that. But this isn't an accident, so sometimes I wonder why am I doing this to myself? I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that in the end this pain will all pay off or at least I hope.
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Angela, the anger and tears are good. You will feel angry and sad and cry a lot before you are finished if you are just starting out in a recovery program. If this is a 12-Step group, it will help if you find a sponsor---someone that you can trust (I know how difficult it is to trust---been there, done that myself.) I am an incest survivor myself. I first talked about my incest issues in Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and then in Al-Anon. If you can't get a sponsor, find a close friend who will let you rant and rave when you need to get the anger out. If you can't do that write about it either here on your blog or in a private journal. I know it is discouraging to be where you are right now. There is a supportive online community of child abuse survivors that you can find also. Check out my blog where I write about my own recovery from incest at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThanks Patricia,
ReplyDeleteIts a group through RAAP so we have two counselors there and then I also see a great one as well.
Its a long process. Can I ask where you found my blog?
I did a google search on incest and your blog came up.
ReplyDeletethanks, I was just curious.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to respond as well it means a lot